Appearances Are Deceiving

TOO EARLY FOR FAREWELL, TOO UNPREDICTABLE THE CIRCUMSTANCES

2009-10-12T18:07:00.000+08:00

This can be the darkest storm of my year so far, despite not having been directly affected by Ondoy. Ondoy was a shock to me. I got my eyes opened up by these images of water. I remember the movie Waterworld. Scary. It marked on me one thing. It was a leveler. It showed us all however is our stature in life, we are all but just the same human beings. No one is immune from disaster, nor death. There is no exclusion, whether you be rich or poor. At that time, I saw people walking against the muddy torrents despite what they were wearing. At the streets, no not even those shiny cars could protect anyone.

Enough of Ondoy. One just has to turn on the TV to acquire all that he wants to know about it. Here I am myself, standing at the tail of my own tempest. What can be one of the hardest, if not the hardest itself, that can hit a person than financial incapacity? I feel locked with these circumstances. Decisions need to be done as soon as possible. The future, still far off as it may seem, is so calculable to me, so visibly staring me in the eye. Choices are limited and the fork path presents already its destinations.

The consequences of me staying is one and only: long and winding hardship. Once I go, the pain will sting transiently. I will be leaving behind a comfortable atmosphere and routine peace, not to mention people who share pieces of me. I have fallen and risen numerous times in my existence. New beginnings and re-adaptations should not be complex to me. But I have always been on an uncompromising stand, and LOATHE going for something against my inner desire.
How unpredictable situations are! Once again, plans I had worked around on and dreams I had fortified are slowly fragmenting itself, like a novel’s plot that some other suspense-author had written.

And all these excludes love (which I think, in my humblest opinion, is not of necessity right now)!

So what do I need? I need sensibility direly. If not to support this vision I have, then to counter-attack it with reason I might not be seeing now.

I AM FAILING. I had held my head too high on thoughts of strength and temporal invincibility that I overlooked the breaking platform I am standing on.

I’m losing my youth and it makes me sad. It’s not something to express in a space like this. But the way all this is consuming me is driving me to extreme measures in my head. The worst part is I can’t let go of the youth that was denied me. I even write in this almost-intelligent manner to mask my true feelings, the real words I yearn to release.
It’s tiring to always prove one’s strength and limits. I’m glad on how I’ve become an inspiration to some people, because nothing can be more heart-fattening than that, despite it being an enemy to my principle of self-acceptance and being real.

Sigh. No matter how long this goes or how full or near-to-full I pour out these ponderings on my lamentation, at the end of the day the decision stays there to make.

I guess it’s time to go.

It had been a beautiful walk, for I had walked with beautiful people, imperfect as we all are.

I will be bringing what I had learned with me, and it may be consolation enough. Who could tell?

With this, so help me God.

Wants, Wishes (also includes: my inner Artisté).

2009-07-07T19:29:00.004+08:00

There are times when we sit in front of a PC and know exactly what to type. These instances, may I describe, are those fueled by passion, probably out of a very recent happening one would want to jot down to be part of his or her written history so as to avoid being forgotten.

Where am I right now?

It’s not total happiness. Nothing could ever beat the happiness I had felt back when I was still very active in church *wink*, (not that I didn’t want to go back). It’s a type of feeling of not really wishing for something bigger than the life I’m having. I mean, if I were to be asked would I want to trade this life right now to somebody else’s I would politely decline. I am already blessed with people surrounding me who truly love me. I have enough money to go by daily. I am admired by a person I also admire (naks! anu kaya yon? haha). Everyday there are trials to be faced. I juggle work and studies at the same time. I get physically weak and tired. There are people who do not like me. But these aren’t things that could make me back down. Being the goal oriented person that I am, it’s the future that keeps me moving forward. I know I will be more than who I am right now and that somewhere in time what I desire in my heart presently will be fulfilled. It’s cliché I know. It’s the truth.

I wish I could play with my band again.

I love performing. I guess I was born a performer in nature. It’s a one way thing. Like in writing. There should always be an audience or else everything is in vain, like a painting. A painting in an unlighted and unvisited room is purposeless, like it never existed. Performing is like speaking not only to a person, but people in general. It’s not like I wish to please everyone. It’s just having the freedom and the privilege to express my heart out and dance! Yeah.
Next, I was thinking of going somewhere relaxing in my birthday, maybe somewhere out of town. It’s only days ahead! I want to have a plan for it. Mind you, I sometimes catch myself being a control freak. But it’s something very controlled and unobtrusive.

To be honest, I need more rest (than what I’m having). I need to be away. As an artist (a self-proclaimed one), I am always needing space and time. I want to write again and be consumed in a universe of adverse reality, where nothing is impossible. Hm. I am also looking for true love! Nah, kidding. I can say I am ready for a relationship, but relationship is not ready for me. Haha! Nah. I don’t think that’s possible at this moment. I want someone to be with and to cuddle with, yes. But if it’s meant to be it will be. Hm. I guess that isn’t something I should think about. When it comes to having a relationship, heart alone or mind alone isn’t reliable. It’s a combination of both, plus convenience and practicality. Hey, it’s my opinion. This is my blog space anyway.

I think this is it. I felt like I haven’t said much. But judging from the length of this, I guess it’s enough. LOL. Ö

What Should Have Been Said that Couldn't

2009-04-11T17:34:00.000+08:00

How many days has it been since we’ve started communicating again?

Questions…

…resurface.

What are you getting at?

I don’t think I’ve actually known you well enough to see what’s behind your mind or your words

Poor me

And yet you know me well enough and that I was always transparent with you…

How did we come to this point?

We were like a half finished novel,

or a movie that was cut right before any ending or resolution

where one sits and stares at the screen hoping to catch just anything at all,

just like a loop without a knot

an acrobat suspended in midair…

Now that you’re reading this, I’m sure you are, I think you’ll find it amazing or amusing at the least..

maybe asking why? what’s this for?

Because in my life, I have never been treated the way you did to me..

I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hardly for a guy than I did cos of you..

At this point there’s not even a tinge of bitterness left anymore

It drained up a long, long time ago..

And besides, I wouldn’t have been talking or communicating with you if that’s the case..

On the other hand, writing this provides me at least some comfort

A little console

To let this all out without actually having to say anything to you directly or without expecting you to say anything and without you expecting me to say something else too..

After everything (all of what had been up to this point), I hope you had already found compensation for all the things I think I’ve done that might have hurt you..

There are I’d admit to that.

I hope I have had enough to atone for my shortcomings.

I can just slowly take in your apology.

I appreciate you mustering up the courage to first speak to me.

As of now, I feel just a little bit better.

The past remains the past as it has always been.

They’re memories now. Immaterial. Immovable.

“I’ll let it pass and hold my tongue..” Dido

*This post will expire by the next time I log in..*

Montage

2009-02-15T19:52:00.000+08:00

I am listening to this cool song of Massive Attack right now titled “Montage.”

These past few days, anyone would have noticed, I have been off color and easily irritated. I don’t know. I suspect it was another of my more often than not lethal mood swings. But I think it was also from lack of sleep. If I did not take a rest day this day, I could likely end up having fever or worse, flu (is that trangkaso?).

What I’m not sure of is if this is just a ‘mood swing’ or another phase of depression. It’s nothing grave. Just a detached feeling, like the whole world is too far for my reach, like the rest of the world is bathing in sunlight, while I sulk alone devoid of warmth. Honestly, poetic language aside, I am.

Might have been caused by the holiday that just passed by, that day when the color red becomes nauseous. Look nothing against Valentines Day. I was even wearing red. But it somehow made me feel like I lacked something, like yeah romantic love. It was some sort of pressure, and funnily someone had sent a text joke to me about that. I know I often seemed like I can do without men (because I actually can *lol*). But it feels different to have love, to have someone to care for me the same way I would care for him, to stare at his eyes, sending chills down my spine and to know that I have someone to run to when I’m shattering apart, someone to share the weight when things get too heavy for me.

I don’t know. I don’t even think I still know how to love. That is my saddest realization. I feel like I’m becoming into . . . (one of our relatives whose name I won’t include here). Now, she’s all old and lonely because she was only too concerned with her own happiness. She treated everyone by how she could benefit from them. I know I’m not like that. She is a human being created without conscience (no kidding!). I have one. So in many ways, we are different. But I thought, would I grow up lonely as well? Seeing her (that relative) almost a week ago depressed me. She was a sad sight, in her shabby make up trying to conceal her age and her tailor-suited clothes trying to hide her skinniness. I was sorry for her, not because they (my relatives) all disliked her, but because it was of her own fault which she didn’t even mind correcting, no effort at all. I know she prays, a lot. But I hope she prays for the right things. Not money, but love. Not prayers because of pride, but prayers of forgiveness.

Back to me. Still about me and my out-of-ordinary condition, out-of-ordinary meaning not like the usual me. At home, I know even if they don’t say it, they just wanna shout, ‘what is wrong with you?’ And I could just imagine myself saying ‘I don’t know’ in all its mixed emotions and meanings: paradoxical, plain mock, or really a statement of confusion! I notice that my most common expression would be ewan ko and I don’t know. That either explains my mind’s rush to produce an answer without even thinking properly or my own stand in things.

Just this day, I couldn’t count the number of times I fumed off compared to the number of times I smiled. What is wrong with me! I’m now asking myself. The hardest question, I guess, is the one only the self can answer. Shit, how can anyone actually help me.

Shotgun: Promotion, Death and Love

2009-01-10T12:48:00.003+08:00

Once again my resolution to stop smoking would have to be for the next year I guess. A deep exhale here. Let's see. Cos this is shotgun. I have to really like type fast to catch up to my mind's fast production of words.

I am stepping on new shoes. Literally, it doesn't make sense cos I haven't bought any new shoe for the year. In fact I have bought little for myself for this year. What that meant is that, it feels strange. Like I see everything through another persons eyes.

I know myself because I still am aware of what my likes and dislikes are, what makes me happy and what irritates me, what my favorite foods are and what kind of clothes I would never even think of wearing.

But the laughter. It's the laughter that is new. I feel so light, as in the Lightness described in Milan Kundera's Unbearable Lightness of Being. And most of all, I feel so stupid. I am not happy with what I'm typing. I feel all this is shit. This isn't a blog like what my previous blogs have been because unlike those, this doesn't serve a purpose at all. But I'll still finish this anyways. I might stumble upon something as I type.

- THE PROMOTION -

So not to brag but as information only, I have been promoted. So far, that had been. . . okay. It could probably a factor why I feel different. In the beginning I never even thought of applying for the position, as training coach I say. But I guess fate gave me a push. It was one of the bosses there who forced me to apply. And I mean the word forced. I remember that day. I wasn't feeling my best. I lacked sleep, had no make up on, just feel like dumb shit. I was to go home and rest when I was asked to be spoken to by that boss I was referring to and then said, 'apply for coach' with a tone like, 'you don't have a choice'. There are only a few people I could say no to, with my being hard headed and all and he's one of those. He seemed to have an air of superiority, not in a negative way, but in a way that I couldn't seem to refuse anything he would ask me to do for him. And right now, it's more than ever cos I owe him why I was in the position now.

My original plan was as follows: stay until January to receive tax return and then resign. The people at work were ok and I enjoy their company. But being escalation agent with the same pay as a regular agent and having more work and also having my health endangered, it wasn't worth it. I've heard from my friends from different teams, some resigned now and some AWOL, that there were jobs just the same as we had with higher pay. So I thought I should transfer. But then after the promotion, everything changed. I was caught with no plans. I was looking forward to a new life at a different company, but as I said, I stayed without anything that happened according to plan.

And it's sad that a lot of people I know from that company had left already God knows where without even a proper farewell to and from me. It's part of life, now I ponder upon it. Back then it seemed like, these are people who give me reasons to stay in the company. Now I stay in the company and they are the ones who were gone. Just like in death.

- DEATH -

A friend of mine whom I've been tight with lately, told me a personal story of how her mother died. From the sound of it, nothing was expected. When people die, I know it would hurt, especially those who are dear to me. (That seemed grammatically awkward). I hear of it from other people, how friends, parents, siblings depart and how it felt too sudden for them that it took them a long time acknowledging the loss. I heard of the pain, but I just can't imagine what would happen if it happened to me. Everyday I see these people. At the back of my mind, they're always there, always present and at times I take their being there for granted. Time slips away and no matter how fast our legs could run and carry us we cannot run away after lost time. At some point in life, people would have to go, no matter how fast and sudden or slow and grieving. Life is but ephemeral. I look at myself today, so full of life. But years could just pass by so quickly without me noticing it. I've lived already for two decades, with seven more to come. But that is just mine. For the people around me, people I love, my family, I just. . . don't know.

- ME -

I honestly can't find words for this part. I'd rather have someone else write something about me at this point than me actually doing it. But I'd give it some effort.

I am concerned right now with . . . oh shoot. Blank. Here's what I hate. I used to think human is not human without purpose or goal. So what am I now? Not human? I hate this. But I know love. So let's skip to this and go on with the next.

- LOVE -

For years, literally, I've waited.

I loved you, the person who used to be you, and I know I would be happy if I could belong to you..

and vice versa.

If you only knew, no matter how you look right now I don't care.

You're taken I assume. But that's not it.

Right now, I am getting tired.

I just need closure, something that should have happened more than a year ago.

My unrequitted love I could probably offer another.

I just need to archive your memories now and not treat them as though they happened yesterday

like they were still fresh,

your mild, malambing voice and my honest to goodness laughter with you tinged with kilig.

That night we walked with the stars above us and the cold evening breeze enveloping us in our every move,

one night you stayed by my hospital bed until morning and held my hand,

These would stay in the section of my memory reserved only for you.

And I,

I longed for that embrace that never happened, that kiss that could never take place,

scenes of love that could only exist in my imagination.

I could be perfect for you if only you knew that.

You would have found all happiness with me and never feel life as too shallow again.

But you are in a place I'd never know, I the same.

I would see you I know.

I would make that happen.

And for once and for all just to end this I would say it in your face..

I loved you.. But my wait is over..

How nice that would have felt I think I would even cry.

--

I Am In Love .. Finally

2007-11-06T20:27:00.000+08:00

And you should be also.

Haha. Life. We should embrace it. I tried this thing where I'd pass out for a few minutes. After losing breath, everything went to black. I felt like I was away for a very long time. At least not there. I felt like I was somewhere home. Everything happened so fast. When I woke up, Kuya was helping me up. Geez, did I really forget where I was. Kuya told me I shook. If he didnt wake me up, I dont know. It only took ten minutes, yet I felt like I was away for days. All I could remember was a computer game.

Speaking of Kuya ..

I believe there are actually people sent here as angels. Well, not in the sense that they are really holy. I'd probably talk about this later.

So I am in love.

I was lost. But I found my way back again. I had my family back, my mother most especially. I have hurt her, and never, I told myself, would I ever want to hurt her anymore. She completely understands me now. So what if my studies went haywire?

Everything is immaterial when we die. What is important is what we are, not really what we do. That's why we are human beings, not doings. I'm not saying that studies and the rest of that stuff should be dropped altogether. Of course, we have to study, to provide for our and our family's future. But what do we have in mind all along? Is it for His greater glory?

We are made not for this world, but for eternity. Life is a training ground. You have heard everything in your theology classes. Duh, I myself don't really listen to theo lectures and catechism. These I have learned by myself. Our achievements, our struggles, emotions, feelings, everything is discarded. Only the soul gets to enter the gates. In heaven, we are all brothers and sisters. Everyone. Whether it be our mother, our father, our siblings, our friends, our lovers, everyone is but brother and sister, made in the likeness of God, by God, and for God. Think of it.

Now, I said I was lost. And even though I had what I really wanted, peace in the family, romantic love, and friends, I know something else was missing.

And through Kuya, I found Him. My love. He is everything I was looking for. He's the only one who can fill all my empty spaces. That night, my spirits soared. The night was never more beautiful. The air was never more cool and uplifting. There was light in every move I make. I was in peace. I had an unbreakable wall of love around me. He's everywhere I go, in everything I do, in every word I say, in every thought I have. This is love beyond what any human could ever give, ladies and gentlemen. Pure love. Without selfishness, deceit, jealousy, lie, pride.

I'd remind you that I'm not really a faithful Catholic. Even until now, I have just missed a few weeks' masses. But I have embraced Him. And accepted Him as the only one who could save me.

Now, I am inviting you, my dear reader. I promise I would really do my best to reach out to other people. This is our mission.

Back to what I was saying earlier, Kuya might be my angel. We are made not only for ourselves, but also for other people. They need us. Now everything is clear. They dont need money, they dont need sympathy. They also need Jesus Christ in their lives. We are made to let other people know Jesus' love for us, whether they be a non-Catholic, an ex-Catholic, an atheist, a disbeliever, an ignorant, or a lost soul.

This might be the best I might do for now. This is not much. These are words. Love is shown both through words and actions. But hope I was of help.

So now to you. My dear.

I will stay strong. For us. I will do my part. Hope you do yours.

Til here.

Thanks again for reading and finishing this heck of a blog. Yeah, some parts may be incoherent. Sorry. Just did this with all these things coming up my head like darts. Haha. Darts. Pwede namang arrows. Whatever.

AMPOTA

2007-10-04T02:25:00.000+08:00

I've been using and abusing that word. So what?

Haha. Eto na naman. Blabber.

Well I'm sorry. Writing is my only outlet. I like keeping all those emotions stuffy stuffy to myself. Good thing my friends are always present or else I'd get hyperventilation on a daily basis.

I dont think love can save me now. I can see that only myself can save me. But who cares? Who cares shit? I dont want to get saved myself and people know that. I have pulled myself down. I dont need pity.

Kaya sana hindi mo sinabi. Amp. Walang maitutulong yon tsong. Tangina, ako nga maingat na tinatago iyon tas ikaw .. amp .. Wala na kong masasay.

I'm tired of ranting about my misfortunes because .. haha .. it'd consume space. Luckily, I stumbled upon something. A new .. philosophy is it?

I'd just smile. God doesnt send problems we cant solve. I believe in hope. I think I've written it before in my blogs. I'd say it again. And I wont be tired of saying it. I have told someone I only look at the present. The future is uncertain. I have no idea what my future would be like. I know I have the power to mold my future. And I am thankful for that power, wherever it is right now. But I can never tell. No one could. A twist of fate would make life worthwile, or worthless.

So, whatever you all do, I'll still be me. Ana told me I havent changed. Fuck I havent and I dont see why I should. I am comfortable like this and my REAL friends love me for being this.
And one more thing. Try repeating this to yourself. PREJUDICE IS FUCKING SIN.

Judge me. To hell with any of you. I'm not going to die of your backstabbing or judging or whatever. Die of envy of me haha.

Okay. I'm sounding too bitter. Nakikinig pa kasi ng devildriver posers ngayon eh no. La lang. Oi, next song na pala. Strapping Young Lad.

Ang akin lang mga minamahal kong kaibigan, ako ay madaling lapitan. Ako ay nananatiling ako na kumakain ng kwek-kwek at kung anuman sa kalsada at kayang dalhin ang tsinelas kahit saan kahit na ang aking kuko sa pinkie sa right foot ay minordor ng sapatos kong patulis. Ako ay mananatiling maaaring iyakan at sandalan, ako ay mananatiling concerned sa buhay niyo. Ako yung mananatiling pam na nakilala niyo, kapalan ko man ang make-up ko, magpakalbo man ako, bumagsak man ako sa lahat ng kahit anong meron jan, ako'y ako at kumportable ako sa kung sino ako.

Wahaha. Watibir.

You Don't Have to Read This But If You Insist, You Get Ready for the Consequences

2007-08-29T20:02:00.000+08:00

What a title.

Caution : wag mo nang basahin kung hindi ka mahilig sa walang kwenta .

hay takte ..

anong klaseng buhay to ?

me sakit lagi

loveless

laging me kaaway sa bahay

laging pinapagalitan

palpak sa eskwelahan

potcha ..

grrrgrrh !

sorry ha kung walang kwenta binoblog ko pa

gusto ko lang ISHARE YUNG INIS KO ! ! !

grrh ..

hay let's get to business ..

i feel like i'm getting ugly .

i just dont have energy .

well thats fine i'm not really an energetic person .

but i'm afraid my sickness might attack again .

shhhh .

and i sink deeper

and deeper

until the lights on the surface

are invisible down

here at the bottom of the sea

all i could see is darkness

as if i could really see that

but i would still patiently wait

for that savior

i had prayed for

years ago

for now i am being

devoured by the monsters

at the back of my head

chewing on my insides

as i writhe in pain

in my bed

my pillow soaking in tears ..

it gets harder and harder to breathe every day ..

help me now ..

for i may burn a little more

but when i turn into ash
i would remain so forever ..

AND NOW THIS IS FOR YOU ..

I HAVE CONSIDERED YOU A FRIEND .

I KEEP FRIENDS .

I NEVER LEFT A FRIEND

IT HAD BEEN THE CHOICE OF MY PAST FRIENDS TO LEAVE ME .

I KNOW HOW TO VALUE FRIENDSHIP .

I VALUE FRIENDS MORE EVEN THAN ANY MATERIAL POSSESSION I HAVE .

HECK I WOULD CHOOSE A FRIEND MORE THAN A LOVER .

AND YET YOU ..

I DONT KNOW WHAT I DID

OR WHAT I KEEP ON DOING WRONG ..

BUT HERE I AM

I WILL REMAIN SILENT ..

FOR I DO NOT WISH TO FIGHT

IT WAS YOUR CHOICE

NOW WE ARE LIKE THIS

AND IM SUFFERING IN THIS COLD WAR

ARE YOU SATISFIED ?

I CAN NOT TELL YOU TO STOP THRUSTING

YOUR DAGGERS ON MY BACK

I CAN STILL BEAR PAIN

BUT ALL I CAN WISH FOR

IS THE HOPE THAT YOU ARE HAPPY IN WHAT YOU ARE DOING

haah .

that feels a bit good .

have been keeping that for i think a week .

boring right ?

dont say I didnt warn you .

The Mona Lisa

2007-07-20T13:14:00.000+08:00

The Mona Lisa flashes her eyes.
In an instant, a person is immersed
into a mystified state of mind,
running questions like
what does she feel like?
inside her skin
and where is the source
of that dark grin.

In a flash of an eye,
the background is in colors
mixing and blending
like peacock feathers,
hardly distinguishable
except for the fact that
they've become shades,
hues interlapping one another.

In a flash of an eye,
who could tell
the storm and the sky
the trench and the beach
the sound and the sigh
hold and reach
depression and high
black and white

vision and sight
pain and delight
wrong or right

from her eyes?

The Fall of Man

2007-07-20T12:26:00.000+08:00

Rapid change.

Rapid pace.

My head is in circles.

And I cant get a grip.

Grip.

Drip down the water

from my eyes.

Gravity,

pulls down

my chest

like little baby's hands groping

for his mother's breast.

Slip ..

Slip ..

Slip down into sin

and let all the

filth, evil

sink in ..

and fill

the empty spaces

of my hollow

and weak being

letting the whispers

of darkness and

bodily pleasures

sink.

Sink in ..

I'm Turning Eighteen Tomorrow! Yapee!

2007-06-22T13:23:00.000+08:00

Yah. So constitutionally speaking, I'm not a minor anymore. I'm already a voter, a taxpayer (I do have a job right now but I don't pay tax). I can stay upto four in the morning on the streets and not be caught for curfew. I can .. what else? Join pageants? Haha! Kidding. I'm not yet out of my mind. My mom told me she's already permitting me to have a 'legal' boyfriend. Well, ironically, I think I'm gonna have to let my heart rest for a while and focus on my studies. But if something comes up, or if ever, if ever if ever, we'd get to know each other, my destiny and me, whooah! Haha! Todo career! What else? I don't know. I'm just turning a year older. I'm still waiting for the changes. Maybe there were some already and I'm just oblivious to them.

Anyhow, I'm not celebrating a grand lavish debutante ball/party tomorrow. Not yet. My parents are pushing me to celebrate late this July or August. Since I'm the eldest, I guess I do really have to. Im not kj when I say I dont really want the extravagance and all that. But I can do without it. Actually last month my mom proposed to me, instead of a debu party, she'd be giving me a kabuhayan showcase. A studio set with complete instruments. Imagine, it's extra cash! Even though she asked me to choose, and I chose the latter, she'd still be giving me a party. I'm okay with that. Oh how I love my mom.

So to all people reading this, just so you know, I'd still be (hopefully) holding a debu though not tomorrow but later this July or August.

Love lots to all!

(yuck ginawang p.a. ang blog, wahaha!)

My Future Ahead (Too Early to Think About It, But I Do Think About It)

2007-06-14T12:43:00.000+08:00

Ahh. . . Start of classes. Geez, I've had a busy vacation. Work, work and work. Well, I gotta earn. I get no allowance during vacation days.

Anyways, I've found direction. Im gonna study hard. I am responsible for my future. This sem might be easier than last sem. Maybe. Maybe it's because of that english paper that's why I had low grades. Luckily, everything turned out to be fine. Although we are on the brink of poverty, I was still able to enroll myself. And I have a PE now and an ROTC. And good thing I was able to enroll english 102. Thanks be to God. It's time to do good and be good.

I think I've found him. My future. We're universes apart, my world different from his world. And he's seven years older than me. But I dont know. There's this spark, not just a spark, something bigger than that. I want him in my future, only him. I've never felt this feeling in a guy before. All I've had were flings, relationships for the sake of having one, love because I felt like I needed it, not like I wanted it. But with him, the case is different. I dont know if I actually love him. Love is such a strong and destructive word. Im not head over heels or crazy about him. But whenever I think of him, all I could think of is our future together. Kinda psycho right? I know. Anyone'd think of this like that. I mean, I barely know him. As in.

Maybe, like what one of my blockmates said, it's all about security. Or maybe it's more than that. I'd like to find out. All we've had are periods of eye contacts. He cant approach me in a way anyone else could do. There's a barrier between us. I'm just a girl working there where our roads intersect. And that world where I work's got a lot of rules. His eyes, how I'd die to find out what they mean when they look at me. Who knows someday the gods would hear me and save me from this agony? I cant even look at another guy! Like my heart has just stopped beating! Is my search over? Is he the one? How could I find out? Heaven help. It's all the help I could have.

How I wish I could stop the habit. Look at me, Im sick. Again. My lungs are next to bleeding. And I dont get anything from it. (Honestly, not true. They serve as my 'escape route'.) But really, I dont get anything from it except lung disease. I know almost half of my family knows about it. Im gonna stop it. Sooner or later. Concerned people are getting concered. And I myself, am very concerned.

What else? Im on a new goal. Probably to make myself not so pissed off with my life. I'd keep it a secret first. It's gonna be big and Im gonna need lots of determination, and appeal, for this. Haha! I think that's all.

Oh and in the future, Im thinking. I want to serve the people. Not actually public service or politics. But through writing. I wanna be the journalist who would write for the benefit of all and who would write the truth and nothing but the truth. Too idealistic. But it's what I really want. It pinches my heart everytime I see people on the sidewalks, with grease on their bodies, palm up, begging for money. It hurts me whenever I see out of school children trying to find ways to have at least a meal a day, most of the time not for them, but for parents who are too lazy to help them. It pains me whenever I see workers who sweat their ass off to get a salary that couldnt even afford them everyday life. I just want to shout, hello? Where are those people whose job is to help them? I cant. At this moment I cant. At least its a relief to know that there is a near revolution under process. Finally, things might be rewritten. The opposition is winning. We might see some change. I do hope those bastards who are keeping our people from prospering meet their match. And when I graduate, Im here to help. Im not after the fame and stuff. Poosh, what would I get from that? There are people who actually need support. I cant think of myself only because I believe we are born not only to save ourselves but help save other people too. God, I cant believe Im writing this stuff. But you know what? When I was a bit younger, I actually wanted to be a missionary. And my mom thought I was crazy.

Til next time. I dont know what else to write.

For the repose of the soul of Mark John Robles.. Prayers from Batch 2006

2007-03-19T11:33:00.000+08:00

Last March 16, last thursday, I received a text message from some of my classmates and schoolmates from Paco Catholic School and they all said the same thing, 'for the repose of the soul of Mark John Robles, we are asking for your prayers. . . from the 4-12 family. please pass to all paconians.' I was shocked. You know, we werent really close. He was a band vocalist and a very popular guy back then, a crush ng bayan. He was more known as Yap, because, they said, he looked like James Yap. Then on our fourth years day, he was just hospitalized with some heart ailment. I heard that he had a hole in his heart, literally. He wasnt even able to perform for the battle of the bands since he was already confined. The school asked for prayers and financial help. His family couldnt pay for the medical expenses. He was unable to get up the stage for he was ill the whole year.

He was so young. He passed away the morning of March 16 from heart attack, and our high school principal declared it in front of this year's graduating batch. Let's just think that maybe God has his plans why that would have to happen.

A Review of the Self

2007-03-12T15:56:00.000+08:00

BUYSIT!

BUYSIT!

BUYSIT!

BUYSIT!

BUYSIT!

BUYSIT!

BUYSIT!

BUYSIT!

BUYSIT!

BUYSIT! na ENGLISH PAPER NA YAN! Cant believe the classes I didnt attend to just to finish it! Really cant! God and I think I'll be failing. Im positive. Not only was I frequently cutting classes, for invalid reasons. I am missing a lot too! And I havent been able to do make-up quizzes yet! Oh if I could turn back the time! Im so afraid to regret a lot! I mean, what we have right now, this education, is a once in a lifetime priviledge. It passes by life once, and the bad part is people, especially me, take it for granted. The fact that we dont work for it. I mean, I think if Im a parent and I'd see my child not doing her schoolwork, cutting classes, spending more time with her peers at some God-forbid not-for-teens area of the metro while Im working my ass off to pay for her tuition I think I'd want to slap my bills and the tuition fees list of payments to her face. Yah and I think that's what my mom wants to do sometimes. I receive a slap here, a hit there regularly, and its my fault. I so not deserve this life Im having. I dont deserve it. I'd look at me and all I could feel is hatred. I hate to see my mom cry. I hate myself for being so stone-hearted and so hard-headed. I just dont know how to fix my life at this stage because everytime I try to start anew, something would just always be there to pull me down and drag me back to where I started. So simply said, I cant. Maybe there's no strong power to raise me up yet. I cant leave it all behind. Not in total. That ugly picture I see in front of me, that girl who has lost her identity and become someone she couldnt recognize anymore, that picture sticks in my mind, in my eyes, in the walls and in the floors and her voice is screaming, yeah this is good, im going to take over you and sometimes I just let her because it does feel good.

Oh what now, i think Im crazy. And you might think Im crazy. What the fuck do I care about that? There are only a few people in this world who knows who I really am and who knows what I really do. But there is hardly anyone who knows what I really feel, and what I really think. And as if that matters. I dont really give a shit about what people may think. I know that's rude but that's the truth and I might hate to admit it, I might as well say it. I dont really fucking care what you think of me. Judge me now, judge me never so what? What do you know? We all have our private lives so dont mess with mine.

Trying to hold myself together, but the pieces of my shattered self lay on the ground.

True Opposition At Heart

2007-02-19T15:06:00.001+08:00

I have always been a follower of the opposition. Not that I have something big against the administration, but I've always seen good and serious leadership at the opposition. I'm a Binay supporter, although my grandma dislikes him. He may not prove to be a good ninong to us, but he'd always be a role-model mayor. I like it that he uses the people's money for the people. I see changes. I see free education, which means a bright future for the children. I see support for the senior citizens. I see roads being done. I see beautiful barangay halls and free health services. He loves the people. I could see it in his eyes. He speak few words. Everything was action. And that's what counts.

So I saw the picture on the front page of the PDI where the opposition are raising their hands in joy with Erap, ex-Philippine president. Ping Lacson. He has a fist of steel. He can enforce discipline in the country. One thing Filipinos arent really good at. And Chiz Escudero. Ideal political guy. Has his principles. About Erap. I know and we know he was a former action star. So what? Who said he doesnt know anything about politics? He had his share of experience. And what is really important is the passion for serving. The intentions. Sometimes, those intelligent, cunning, wordy politicians are the ones who plunder money without getting caught. They use what they know to deceive, to conspire, to hide. And we Filipinos are left still blinded by their images we get from the media. Gloria and her group of peepz are the ones who are really in control. They were powerful enough to remove Marcos from power. And did it again to Erap, all with rosaries in hand. And now what? What do we really know when the truth is hidden from us? With all these political killings around us, and the manipulation of media, the truth is hiding behind a veil, their mask of smiling faces and raised hands, convincing the people to vote for them and then shooting forty NPAs, not behind our backs, but in front of us. Oh God, what is happening? Who is to suffer? Not just the poor, not just the street children, but most of all those who work hard to earn a living and pay taxes that'd just go straight to the pockets of corrupt officials who are seen in tv, and also to those under them. The police, the army officers, ex-politics and friends who now enjoy a villa and a pet tiger or lion, sipping on bacardy, napping on a hammock. Are we still going to be blind? Im not saying theyre all evil. Some could have good intentions but are just stuck in the middle of things. Still, despite of their intentions, they do nothing. We have here people who would do something, so why not give them a chance? Arent we tired of seeing the same faces, hearing the same lines, trying to buy our hearts with words like "I'd be the one to secure them of a better living" or "Im pro-children or pro-singe mothers"? Havent we heard them before, like just the last election? Where are those promises? Did we even hear anything they (senators) did?

And now Im rambling. I'd get killed for this. Look, I'd make it clear. I'm not trying to convince anyone. Political ideas are free for everyone to possess. And you can correct me or what. That's fine. The thing is, these are my ideals. I cant shut up with everything Im seeing. Politics isnt a game, or a boxing match. People's lives are at stake. You can choose not to care, to leave it alone. But I cant so we're different. And I'm not telling you who to vote, but please, vote. At this time, unfortunately, I'd not be able to vote since I'd be turning 18 after the election. So to those who are priviledged to vote. This is a way to help your people. Vote and vote wisely.

- = -

This Damn Valentines Day

2007-02-14T10:13:00.000+08:00

So yah I know its the day of hearts so I shouldnt really be so bitter. Pero tangna talaga oh. Since February 11 pa ko nawiwindang! I dont know why this is happening, and Im looking for a reason. Sana hindi niya ko iwan sa ere. Ang masakit kasi eh yung kung kelan ba naman ako na-inlove and nakapagdecide na talagang magtapat na and hayaan na siyang manligaw, saka naman . . . ganito . . . I dont want to think its my fault, pero Ive been thinking, anu ba talaga yung nagawa kong masama? Yes, for the past few days, I've been treating him like a friend. Bakit friends naman talaga kami ah? Pero before I've already told him na he's more than a friend to me. Hindi ko na alam yung nangyayari sa buhay niya ngayon. And I dont want to ask his friends dahil . . . ewan ko ayoko lang! Ang alam ko lang is he hasnt been true to his promise. Amin na lang yun. Anong ibig sabihin non? Wala na ko sa buhay niya? Na what I said before doesnt matter anymore? Bat ganon sasabihan niya ko ng i love you, sasabihan niya ko na tanggap niya lahat sa kin, pahuhulugin niya yung loob ko to the very point na puro siya na lang iniisip ko, tapos ngayon ganto gagawin niya sa kin? Bakit ganon Lord? Alam mo kung paano ako talaga sumaya when he was still in my life. Bakit ganito?

At ngayong Valentines. . . this shouldve been the day of revelation. This shouldve been the day kung kelan sasabihin ko na lahat ng feelings ko for him. I've waited for this day, really did. I wanted to use the occasion para mas sweet. Pero tangna talaga, biglang ganun na lang.

Maybe, hindi nga to destiny. I thought it was . . . I thought he was going to be my prince. I made myself ready for this relationship, I was trying to give everything up. I thought he was going to be the one to change me. I thought he was so sincere and true. I on my part was. I never lied to him. Whatever I said, I meant. And it hurts to know that just when I was really ready to give my heart, he's not there anymore to take it.

And then there's mister boyfriend material who's ready to catch me. No, I dont like him anymore kasi nga I've already fallen for my frog prince. And I'll wait. I'll wait by the well. Because love is all about waiting. I really love him. God knows the truth about it. And I'll just wait.

I'd not expect anything else. Because expectations are met only in soap operas, and my life, by far, isnt one. Waiting is one real thing in this world. Waiting and not expecting anything. Who knows what might happen. I dont care. All I know is that I'm his.

- = -

Number Five With A Bullet (Girls are the Victims)

2007-02-09T13:50:00.000+08:00

And this goes to all damn heartbreaker guys out there.

Hayy. That's all I could say. Indeed, life is but a roller coaster. Sometimes, we are up in the clouds, dancing in the rain, wishing that a day of supreme bliss wont stop. But then the cloud sent by someone down there comes spoiling everything. That's life as a roller coaster. You gotta hold tight. But never forget to enjoy the ride.

Anyway, I dont think I'll be ranting on about my adventures. Even I get bored. Let me just. . . philosophize. If I can. Something about . . . love?

Well, love is a complicated thing. At first, all you would feel is pure happiness. That little bright feeling in your heart whenever he's around, or whenever you are talking, or whenever you are together. Your days are so energy-filled, and you would never ever think of anything that could ruin your days. Maybe that can go on like a few weeks, or a month, depends really on the person. And then, after that uber-ecstasy, you start seeing the back wall. Expectation rise, insecurities bugger . . . then your mood swings like a pendulum, going up, going down. Of course, this goes to couples, who have mutual feelings. Boyfriend-girlfriend relationships too. You know, two-way relationships.

So there, the period where you step down from your daydreams and go back to reality. He's not that perfect, he's not that caring, or sweet, and suddenly he didnt call you when he said he would. Or he forgot to send a message where he is. Or you hear from his friends that he's giving up. Or that he's suddenly seeing a new girl. Or a week already passed, and he didnt even bother to make his presence felt, and left you hanging. It's always the girl who's the victim. Not that I'm doing hasty generalization. Let's rephrase that. . . most girls are powerlessly suffering from guys who're like that. Guys, please. . . Not because you outnumber us does it mean you have the right to just make girls hope on y0ur words. This is not a game. Feelings are very delicate things. You dont hold them, and caress them, make them feel important, and then leave them in the air. Yes, the Philippines is still a patriarchal society, but you dont have to really prove to us that you dominate. Some girls just understand and let you take over. The important thing you'd have to know is that we only need love and attention. The guy who will make us realize our self-worth. Its not about the competition. Some relationships fail because of pride on both sides. I admit that I've done so many mistakes before. I wanted to be the one holding the relationship. I was so much. I thought I was a queen, and he was my subject. But that's not the way things go. He was my king. In my heart, he was my king. But it was all pride.

Nevertheless, everything was over. I heard from a friend that he's off somewhere, having a good time breaking all the girls' hearts. Sometimes, my friend said, he missed the love and the romance. But it's his life now. He can choose to go back to me, and I'd probably take him back. But as long as that doesnt happen, and I really think it would never, my life goes on. For now, he's partially erased in my heart and is replaced by someone who deserves it better. But the memories will remain, and he's just there, our love, on the pages of my blue diaries.

Moving on, oh I think this is gonna be one long blog item. But I think I've pretty much said everything. Only one more topic. . . parents.

I dont really get them. I've always wished my parents were not so strict. They just dont see that I'm happy in what I do. Like the band for example. I know they wanted to see me perform, but how would I if they wont let me? Music makes up 80% of me, and its through performing and composing songs that I get to release my inner passion. Plus the fun of listening to other bands as they perform. The beat of the drums, the leads and the power chords, the soaring vocals and power choruses, to me they are part of the package of extreme entertainment on one night's gig. They told me to enjoy my life while young. How can I? The world is a big place I want to discover. Who knows tomorrow I might get hit by a 4x4 and never see daylight again? I want to at least be able to see what is outside my comfort zones, those places and people not in my campus, or my neighborhood. I want to buy things for myself, and eat exotic foods. For short, I want to be free. Of course, I dont want to get myself in danger, so with common sense I would never think of going to highly hazardous areas, especially alone. But I've kept myself safe, everywhere I go. Imagine a street called Bilibid Viejo, and in it were groups of tambays who all look like snatchers and kidnappers. But I got past that, because I know how to keep myself safe. You might tell me I was just lucky. No, maybe you have to dispel the myth that everywhere in the Philippines, there's danger. Oh come on, let's not think like the Americanos and the Hapons or the Europeneos. There maybe parts of the country, or just the city, that are really scary, but not all.

So what now? I've got a band practice later, and tomorrow is lovapalooza and after that a gig. On Sunday, I'd be going to YFC and then tito John's despidida. I dont really think I'd get out this weekend. I'd rot at home, cleaning the living room, or our bedroom, or hanging clothes, to stare at the ceiling after all chores are done. She's got my cellphone confiscated, and I dont think the reason "i sleep late and do nothing" is really the reason why she confiscated it since for years I always sleep late, with cellphone or not. I dont really know. I dont want to keep any remorse against her. I love her. But I hope she'd understand and wish me all the happiness I could want. I prioritize my studies and I would never let myself flunk, if she thinks I'm not giving importance to my studies. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, and me a very grieving daughter. I sometimes envy my friends who can go out whenever they want to. Maybe its been my fault, because I havent actually been honest these past few years. But why bother to ask permission when youre so sure that youre not gonna get any? I want to change the system at home. I tried to be a rebel, and ran away from home not only once or twice or thrice. On the contrary, Ive also tried to do it nicely, but things just got back to what they were before ever since I was grade six. I dont really know what to do. . . Oops, I think I'm forgetting the essence of the blog. Okay, so its not all philosophy, but rather the way I view things. Wait, isnt it similar to philosophy? Oh never mind! Whatever.

- = -

Old Lover, Same Band, New Life

2007-01-31T10:33:00.000+08:00

Teaser : I'd like to live my life the way I want it

Same old love. Si yellow pa din. Well, not exactly na siya pa din ang love ko. Super moved on na nga diba? Tomorrow me battle sa PCHS. Baka sumali kami straumamystic. Yes yes! Bonding time! Long time no tugtog eh. Gushie shushie, sana okey si Tantin. And so kung ngayon pa lang magpapraktis? What is important is yung enjoy kami, di ba? Hehe. And then he'll be there. Kaya kasama siya sa topic. Kasali din sila. And I'm so sure pinaghandaan nila yun. Gaga to si Jad eh, ngayon lang sinabi. Ayus lang. Bahala na.

And eyun, aga ko pumasok. Kasi tinapos ko pa yung bibliography sa english. (so?) Haha, masaya lang! It's my first time na ganito. Well, not really. Basta minsan lang.

Kagahapon nag-mrt kami nila Chesca and Monica. Punta kaming Bambang, sakay mrt, tas baba akong p.gil. Same guadalupe jeep. Mejo mas mahal pero ang saya! Ang saya-saya! Lately, I've been so happy! Bakit kaya? Hehe, kasi nakapagtapat na ko. That you know I have feelings for my bestfriend. Ganito yun. . .

Bespren : Me tatanong lang ako sa yo ah?

Me : Anu un? *smiley*

B : Gusto ko honest ah.

Me : Kk. *smiley*

B : -quote- what if ever ma-in love ako sa yo
suklian mo kaya?
what if mahalin kita
mahalin mo rin kaya ako?
what if totoo ang text na to
at sabihin kong mahal talaga kita
magreply ka kaya ng
mahal din kita?

Me : (and I was so open-heartedly honest that night even though I havent had a drink) (syempre di na to yung exact words)
i dont know. anu kaya yung lagi kitang iniicp, lagi kitang gustong kausapin at pag kausap na kita ayaw ko nang ibaba yung fone? i think i like you. ewan ko. . .

(okay so syempre ayoko munang sabihin na i've REALLY fallen for him. . . kasi nga di pwede)

B : ah ok. . . *smiley*

Me : Ikaw?

B : Same question?

Me : Yes. . .

(after a few moments or I mean, seconds. . .)

B : Mahal din kita. . .

And there were other messages. Suprang late na nun. So I had to sleep early. God, I slept all smiles. And woke up with a really light heart. I know I have real feelings for him. Not unlike si . . . blue, who's all boyfriend material. Si blue kasi yung tipo ng taong matangkad, makisig, ayos pumorma. He likes me. But I dont think I really like him like I like B. Ewan ko. . . bahala na.

What's important is that I feel so happy. You know, people might say I'm so inconsiderate, or insensitive, or walang care sa paligid. Well I do care. Pero I dont problem other people's problem. I dont want to be affected. If they have a problem and they need my help, they can come to me. I've always been so open armed. Or if they have a problem with me, they say it straight to my face and we'll talk. Kung wala, wala e di masaya. I've had my own share of life's drama. My old friends and those people who really knew me can attest to that. I've had a past life that's worth of MMK. But everything, all that's happened, I'll keep in my diary and learn to get over with. See, a diary is like a history book. Everything's already happened and is part of a person's history. Nothing can be changed or undone. What had been d0ne had been done for a reason. And I'm thanking the old me for making me who I am right now. I learned most of the time not from my friends, or my family, or the society. I learned from myself. And that's one thing I would always cherish and be proud of. As of now, I'd like to live my life the way I want it. It's about time that I think I'd listen to what I really want deep inside, with no pretensions and no care about what other people will say. And everyday I will pass by the church and talk to God and thank Him for what I have.

I'll live my life as simple as that.

*smiley*

- = -

New Phone, Old Love, and New Band

2007-01-26T17:19:00.000+08:00

ay nakoo! nakakapagod tong araw na to ah! well, of course, lahat walang paalam. kasi nakipag-meet ako ngayon kina ice and mark. nag-aapply na mag-vocalist sa new band namen. ay shemai, madami na pala akong hindi kinekwento! cge share ko muna.

so first of all, I'd like to tell you all na me bago na kong fone and i'm so happy kasi sobrang swerte ko sa nabili ko! i wasnt expecting it at all. mukhang mamahalin pero secret ang presyo hehe. samsung sya tapos C130 yung model. colored yah, wala masyadong features pero ang ganda kasi its slim and small. so kahit sa breast pocket ko, kasya siya. o di ba? tapos new number na rin. iba na gumagamit ng old sun ko. sun pa rin. me balak mag-globe kaso naasar kasi me balance pa rin na piso na aalalahanin. wala pang call.

ayun. next naman. so nung last saturday, i think that was nung 20. something happened. nakausap ko ulit siya. si yellow. you know, really nung narinig ko yung voice niya, all of my emotions got so mixed up na hindi ko alam sasabihin ko chaka gagawin. i told bogs na mahal ko pa rin siya, and miss ko na siya. and jad too, sinabihan ko. i dont know why, maybe because i was so emotional. really i had a lot of regret. siguro part yung regret kaya gusto kong magkabalikan kami. kasi he's been a prince and i've been a bitchy evil princess. pero totoong namiss ko siya. i suffered since august i think and uptil january 20. . .

all i could say on the phone was "asan si jad?" chaka "hindi ko talaga alam sasabihin ko eh."

it wasnt a long conversation. i dont want to say much. i was scared. i knew all along na hindi niya na ko tatanggapin but i was still hoping like shit. jad naman kasi eh, kung anu-ano yung pinagsasabi. nah. . . there's no one to blame. at least the important thing is. . . I'VE MOVED ON. as in eto na talaga. and now, i think mas maganda nga na nalinaw niyang ayaw niya na kasi nawala na yung pagasa ko. i was like standing on a borderline, not knowing what to do. there were usually thoughts that maybe somehow pagkanagkausap pa kami, babalik din siya. now, my heart is relieved. kasi malinaw. so i can move on properly without looking back at the past . . .

and i'll spread my wings and fly.

next. so nagbuo na naman akong band. honestly matagal ko nang gusto pero kakahintay dun sa mga hindi naman desididung bandmates ko dapat, wala puro plano lang. ngayon totoo na to. hehe. wala pang name. pero buo na and nagkita-kita na. all we need now is a vocalist. a growler. sa four na mga inaya, 2 pa lang ang sure na magau-audition. bahala na.

ganito, i'd be vocals and rhythm/lead guitars, ashi sa bass, jervis sa drums and mikey sa guitars. well, wala pang kanta. bahala na.

inaaya din ako ng straumamystic na mag-buo ulit. game! ayaw na nga lang ni tantin kaya kami-kami na lang. yeeeh. composition level na to. hehe. tapos gagala pa kami sa . . .! haha, baka di matuloy pag sinabi ko. pag nangyari na share ko na lang.

anyway, so kanina nagkita nga kami ni ice. kaya late ako sa journ eh, hehe. dun kami sa may recto nagkita. he's . . . ahhh. ayokong sabihin impression ko sa kanya. woooh. i'm so afraid to fall in love. no, no, no. it's all in my mind. period.

next topic. next post. . . para sa isang tao lang naman kasi yun eh. . .

- = -

Over the Weekends, Codenames, and a Splitting Headache

2007-01-10T14:11:00.000+08:00

Honestly, ngayong mga minutong ito dapat nasa bahay ako at nagpapahinga. Shit, parang mawawarak na yung utak ko sa sobrang sakit. It's more than mere headache, I know. It's more than that. Migraine na kaya to? I dont even know the source! I've been having this splitting headache for days and yet I dont know what I did wrong! Hindi naman ako puyat. As a matter of fact, I have long afternoon sleeps over the weekends. Maybe it's because of the fucking cold and cough I have. It's been a month. Ever since the Christmas season. Sumasakit pa yung mata ko. Puchiks. Pati nga tenga ko eh. Feeling ko naha-half deaf na ko. Waaah, why?!!

Anyways, update lang sa mga nangyari over the weekends.

1. Nakita ko sa isang tarpaulin sa may barangay hall namin na si Binay ang #4 Best Mayor in the World.
2. Nagtext si yellow nung first two weeks of December. I wonder why. . . naghahabol?
3. Lumabas na din ang tunay na kulay ni brown. He is a potential Jian sa future. Nagbabalak ligawan si ate, pag-di sinagot, yung other sis naman. Bad, bad, bad. . .
4. At yang si black, woohoosh. Bolero like his look-alike. Magkamukha na, magka-ugali pa. And to think na natutuwa na ko sa kanya ha! Kala ko he's so sincere.
5. Nagpunta kina chesca nung friday. Nagustuhan daw ako nung mga tita niya. Woooww! Nakakatuwa. Hihi. Cute cute nung aso nilang si nyanya. Napaginipan ko nga eh. Nilalaro ko daw. Ay, pala. And I rediscovered a studio na pinagpapraktisan namin dati sa nakar. Bukas pa kaya yon?
6. Pa-siyam ni Lola Hedy nung Monday. Kaya absent. Hayyk, ang lungkot. Wala yung remains niya dito asa States.
7. Long time no load! Nagkaload muli nung saturday (ata) sa sun. Missed my textmates. Lalo na si . . .
8. At eto, may sakit. Yun lang ata. Super non-colorful ang weekend ko. I know. I'm boring.

Hayyun lang. Actually I should be doing my Socio research paper. Tambakan ang quizzes and recitations and papers to pass. Tomorrow, we'll be having 4 long quizzes, each subject meron. Tapos yung paper pa na dapat 11+ pages. Pero kaya yan! I've been on worse scenarios before! Buti na lang nasanay na ko sa PCS. Dun talaga everday's homework day. And quizzes day.

Read on. After knowing that he could possibly still be reconsidering going back to me, I took a pen and behold. . .

Now I'm lost
my other self missing
walking like a ghost
trying to bring back life again
into my veins

I want to escape this
all of this
I want to be with you
beside you, holding you

Because with you
I am happy
So happy that I could
forget about the world

Without you, this life
has been nothing but miserable
and empty

I want to see you again
and look in your eyes
and kiss you ever so passionately

If I could just be there again
at that time and place
locked in embrace
while the world seemed to matter so little

I would say all that I have to say
confess what I truly feel

I love you . . .
Forever and ever . . .
until that day comes
when the heavens take my soul away . . .

- = -

7 is my Favorite Number, and a New Year

2007-01-03T15:43:00.000+08:00

who knows baka year ko to? 2007? Oh well hindi ko makita kung bakit kelangan kong mag-blog about new year. i'm sure pare-pareho naman tayo ng experiences eh. same fireworks, same lavish foods. . . pero sige . . . since memories are worth keeping and sharing . . . heto. . .

MGA NANGYARI THIS NEW YEAR :

well, wala akong maalalang kakaibang nangyari. as usual we stayed at lolo's house at si jun soler nagubos na naman ng libo-libo sa paputok. such a sight. every year. ang iba lang eh nakipag-bonding ang long estranged cousin namin na si christopher. yah, it's been 17 years. we havent had any close contact with him for that long. sayang yung mga years. aba't sinong hindi magugulat kung bigla na lang siyang maki-join samin? masaya ah and he said at the end of the day na sana hindi na lang daw siya umuwi that night (nung 1) kasi wala na siyang maka-usap. he was a pitiful sight. me mga kaibigan siya, pero iba rin yung pinsan eh no? aba naman mana sa papa sa kakulitan! nung 1 nag-habulan kami from iran hanggang halos dulo ng harvard dahil inasar niya ko at gagantihan ko siya sa pamamagitan ng lipstick sa mukha! lipstickophobic daw siya, dahil sa ex niya. ok. dun kami sa bilyaran oh, walang ilaw, at ako naiihi. siyempre ayokong ibaba yung flag ko, pero dahil suprang late na i'd have to. me next time pa. hwarharhar . . .

anyways, NEW YEARS RESOLUTION. everyone's gotta have one. hindi man written. it could just be a promise to one's self. for the better. so here's mine.

1. hindi na magpapa-late (promise!)
2. magseseryoso sa pagaaral at hindi na magcucut
3. gagawa na ng assignment (teka pang-ilang new years reso item ko to?)
4. hindi na sasagot sa magulang
5. magpapaliit ng bewang (i've been eating a lot. i was really intending to get a little chubbier pero since malapit na kong mag-debut, better get those curves)
6. hindi na mangseseduce ng lalaki. (bad, bad, bad girl!)
7. hindi na magsisinungaling
8. magsisimba every sunday (Lord, more time to you promise!)
9. hindi na magaact on impulse (as i've done too many times. . .)
10. at hindi na bibili ng walang katuturan!

and a lot more that i'd be keeping to myself. hayyst, Lord help me keep my promises. too many of them. . . too many. . .

This Christmas is So Different

2006-12-26T22:44:00.000+08:00

Huuush! Long time no blog! Pano ba naman? Walang time eh . . . About this time busy na malamang mga tao. Pasko na eh! Although hindi pa rin pasko para sakin . . . This might be my loneliest Christmas ever. As was last year’s. Last year’s Christmas? Hayy naku, muntik na kong mawala sa mundo . . . pero I stayed strong and I’m still here.

Maraming nagsasabing 2006 was a very unlucky year. Sa tingin ko nga rin eh. Maraming bagyo, maraming nasalanta, parami na ng parami yung mga naghihirap. Kasama na kami dun syempre. At least the year-ender was quite . . . fine. And I’m still existing peacefully. Suprang memorable tong paskong to compared to the previous Christmases.

1. Unang pasko ko na walang bagong damit. Before, mula top to shoes brand new.
2. Hindi nilabas yung black glass plate set namin. Isa lang naman ibig sabihin nun. Bagay ba ang pagkaing dukha sa kainan na engrande?
3. First Christmas na nag-carolling and nakakuha ng more than 100. Last caroling namin, grade 6 pa ko. And tuwang-tuwa na kami kung umabot ng 100 pesos yung nakuha namin.
4. Wala akong kausap na churva sa phone. Walang babatiin. Walang iniintay na tumawag.
5. First time na hindi ako nakatanggap ng regalong nakabalot. Wala akong binuksan nitong pasko. Lahat puro pera. Tumatanda na nga ako.

Well a lot more differences. Masaya naman parin kahit papano. I’m looking forward to a good year ahead. 2007, seven year of the Lord. And my favorite number. Wahooosh.

Carolling! Haha, hindi lang naman yung kita yung kinasisiya ko talaga eh, pero alam mo yun yung company. Ang kukulit nung mga guys! Patawa! Sila haymes, jervis, wesner, emman, and jobert. Never a dull moment. Naaalala ko tuloy ang GSM. Parang ganyan din. Naaalala ko nga yung best friend ko dating nagpuntang abroad ke emman. Super siya yun, parang na-reincarnate! Pagkakaiba lang eh siyempre suprang close kami ni bestpend. Si emman kasi wala lang, hindi kami ganon ka-close. Siguro if given more time. Haha, sana tuloy hindi na matapos yung caroling. Aww, hindi ko na sila makikita eh. Enjoy ako ah. For a moment, nalilimutan ko yung mga problems ko. Ganyan din yung naramdaman ko nung kasama ko si cowboy eh. Parang alam mo yun, kapag kasama mo yung taong gustong-gusto mo, parang tumitigil yung oras, tapos nalilimutan mo yung sarili mo. Parang kahit ano na mangyari sa mundo at that moment, you don’t care. Kasi kayong dalawa lang sa mundo mo eh. Hayy, eto still trying my very best na hindi na siya isipin. Sakit lang naman ang kahihinatnan. Chaka hindi pwede. Period. Somehow, kung matiyaga at mapag-tiis lang ako, darating din siya . . . so for now, I’ll wait. Rather than get hurt and regret.

Anyways, sayang hindi ako nakapunta sa christmas party ng ab chorale. Gusto ko talagang makabonding sila. Pero alam mo yun, nauna na ang guys na mapangakuan. Naplano na lahat. And I need the money badly. Sana somehow, me other ways. Hindi naman ako magqu-quit ng chorale eh. I know I don’t have that much time pero I do everything na makapunta ng chorale. Minsan man eh I have to go kasi masama pakiramdam ko. Pero I’m serious about this. Sayang talaga. Christmas party din ng cluster namin (A-4) hindi ko napuntahan para dito sa caroling. Well, sometimes we’d have to sacrifice. Me next time pa naman siguro.

Hayy, ang boring na ng blog ko. Ang haba na puro walang kwenta pa nakasulat. Tangina. Ano kasing klaseng buhay to?! Wala talaga akong kwenta! Just some days ago nakuha ko yung grades ko. And . . . never mind. Spent last few nights ago crying. First time in my whole life. Sabi ko pa non, pagnakakuha ako ng line of 7, magpapakamatay ako. And now, tatlo. Tama! Kill me! Lahat na ng gusto niyong gawin! Shit talaga! Sana sinagasaan na ko ni manong sa edsa! Kaso hindi eh, so ganto 1. ) iinom ako ng domex, 2. ) tapos maglalaslas ako, sabay 3.) talon sa 10th floor. Pero intayin ko muna mag-18 ako. After debut.

Last words . . .

The sky is a reflection of the sea.
The sea is a reflection of the sky.
Therefore, neither is real.

Meaning?

You, Me, and the Philippine Society

2006-12-15T15:45:00.000+08:00

what's wrong? kapag philippine society talaga antg setting mapapansin mo eh.

kagahapon tinuruan ko si ashi ng bass ng 3 small words. so kahit mabigat at deteriorating na yung gitara ko na hindi ko pa nga nakakabitan ng last string (1) dahil nawawala sa bahay, dinala ko. on my way to 711 leon guinto, me nagabot saking girl and a guy ng leaflet. i politely refused tas sinabi sa likod ko nung guy, "palibhasa maganda na siya eh." i dont know if i should take that as i compliment or a sarcasm. oo na hindi na ko maganda, alam ko yun. on the outside, i'm just a typical face. an ooglee typical face. and i'm just trying hard. kelangan bang ipamuka sakin nung guy na yun na "miss youre so trying hard." so what kung pinapractice ko sa bahay yung lakad ko? is it wrong to try to walk like a model? at least sa lakad na lang, maganda. for years my back has been criticized. inaasar pa ko noon ni #%@#$ na camel. time for a change. ayoko na ng ganon. sasabihin ng mga tao noon, "ano ka ba naman ang gulo ng buhok mo, mag-ayos ka naman!" ngayon nag-aayos na ko. and still there's something wrong with me. well, wala namang perpektong tao. bakit ko sila ipe-please? sino ba sila?

at dala ko nga yung gitara. sa sakayan pa lang kung makatingin na ang mga tambay boys. hello? first time neong makakita ng girl na may dalang gitara? baka naman nabibighanin lang talaga sila sa beauty ko? tapos nung asa dapitan jeep na ko, me mga guys na nag-uusap, "hirap maging rockers no?" like duh, sinong rockers yung tinutukoy niya? ako lang and them yung nasa jeep. ako rockers? that is so history. and hello? purple bag? blush-on? crystal jewelry? what's the rockers-style in there?

society. . . konting magmuka ka lang iba, kung makatingin na parang "what's that?" konting mag-suot ka ng sobra, "exag naman, mukang christmas tree." there are rules, pero ano nga pala ulit yun? asan ang individuality? pano mapopromote ang diversity kung lahat ng tao stick to the current status quo. i admire those who are so much full of individualism. yung tipong, this is me world, there's nothing you can do about it.

kagahapon, ang taray ko. i really felt bad about it na hindi ako nakatulog. natarayan ko yung mga guys na kasama namin sa carolling. alam ko mejo nahihiya sila. and i know they were, like me, too tired. mahirap mag-lead. promise. lalo na magturo. especially if you have an expected output. hassle, pagod pagdating sa bahay, mey ubo pa. i hope they'd understand. i'll do try all my best na mag-apologize later.

and ms. dumawal. napaka-generous sa grade. eh kung lahat ba naman ng teacher katulad niya na nakikita ang potential naming 1jrn2 at magsi-bigayan ng plus points eh di lahat kami probable DLs. haha. ang saya lang. . . i'm worried about my grades. panay absent, panay cutting. kahapon lang eh, para makapunta sa carolling practice, i have to cut like 3 subjects. buti me seminar. there were no classes.

here i go. have to go home early. byussh. . . !

"LOVE IS NOT DEFINED. . . IT IS FELT. . ."

prof. dr. vasco. . ., logic prof. . ., youngest full professor in ASIA.

- = -

The Essence of Living is. . .

2006-12-04T22:28:00.000+08:00

There's no one to blame. (actually there is.) Hindi naman nila fault, or me for that instance, na hindi ako makasama sa Senate. Nakakasama ng loob. Yah. That's like one uber-opportunity. But where was I last Saturday? Sana kung nakapunta ako. Sana kung me kuryente samin. Sana kung nareceive ko yung msg ni Ashi ng maaga-aga. Well, bahala na. Marami pa jan.

This coming December 16, weeh, carolling. Saan? Bel-air lang naman, Dasmarinas Village, Policarpio, and such and such. Geez, at ang hirap dahil wala pang practice. Syempre, nagbabasa pa (and nagco-compose) ng music sheets for the carols.Hindi naman pwedeng bara-bara lang to.

Sana talaga makapagpractice na kami. Band practice. Atat na ko eh. Supar! Hirap kasi ng hectic schedule. Tapos minsan me chorale pa. Kung walang chorale, SDP. Kung hindi, uwi sa bahay galit si nanay. Kung hindi lahat yun, pwede. Kaso that's like never pa. Hayy. Ako lang ba excited? Siguro sila din. Kaso pare-pareho kaming me mga responsibilities and mga orgs meetings.

Sa christmas vacation, (at Dec. 22 pa pala ang vacation brk), tutugtog kami. Buo kami banda nila Haymes. Reggae, and I'm bahista. Hwahwahwa. Kamusta naman, pano kung Rancid ang natipuhan. Kawawang daliri. Masusugatan.

Anyway, ano pa? Ah eto pa. Nakakaasar nga eh. The comparison between 1jrn1 and 1jrn2. No offense sa 1jrn1. Pero alam mo yun? Kung magcompare yan si Mrs. Socio, parang sila'y wow at kami'y boring. . . Kawawa naman kami. Pero honestly ah, last meeting napuri kami sa recitation. Sometimes, me mga ibang profs din na nagco-compare sa ibang sections. Like yung 1jrn1 daw, bright section. Pero yung si Mrs. Socio talaga. . . lantaran eh.

Maganda palang basahin Hunchback of Notre Dame ni Victor Hugo. Eto yung kwentong dapat basahin kung gusto mong ma-depress. Ayokong maging spoiler, so I wont say anything, pero the ending was . . . *handkerchief to teary eyes* really . . . NAKAKAASAR! Buyset.

Anything else? Hah. Last words.

THE ESSENCE OF EXISTENCE is LIVING.
- Mrs Gamo, 11/28, 4:00pm

At Last. . .

2006-11-21T12:23:00.000+08:00

Masaya dahil may nakitang Paco Catholic School excursion bus. Yung blue and white. . . Haha. Babaw no? Kinda makes me laugh kasi last night. . .

So audition ako sa AB Chorale. . . oo na, it's a bit awkward kasi mejo late na nga. Pero really, I want to join Chorale. Singing has been my passion. Next to writing. Oh kahit ano na mauna o mahuli. Basta like ko pareho. Nung high school gusto ko sana mag PCS Chorale. Kaso nga diba 3rd year na ko lumipat dun. Eh hindi na sila tumatanggap ng 3rd years. . . Waaaah! Sa church naman kaya hindi ko natuloy-tuloy yung choir kasi nga balak ko talaga mag-Lector. So I waited. . . and waited. . . mahabang proseso. Some other time na lang. . .

Kagabi nga nag-audition na ko. Hayy, kapalpakan! Hindi ko alam kung bat tinanggap nila ko!!? On my Own na tinaasan ko ng 2 keys higher tapos SASABLAY lang. Pahiya ako. . . Waawawawaaaah. Well, at least I tried. Masaya, na mejo mahirap, yung 3 and 4 keys test. Parang me ipapiano na notes tas ihuhum mo siya. Tapos yung Part of Your World kinanta ko in a seemingly high note. Pero ayus naman. And then I was told to wait outside for some minutes. Kabog, kabog, kabog. . . . and then I was called in. And you know what? Tanggap ako? Hah???! Hahahaha!! I was so happy!! Of course now I cant explain the feeling I had last night, pero parang it was a feeling of belongingness. Na parang I know I would be happy in Chorale. Unlike sa Teatro. It was a different feeling. Achaka muka sila talagang masaya. From what I've heard from Liza na lang eh and Ashi. They were the ones who really asked me to join Chorale. And supported me all the way. And I'm glad they did that. Only one or two things. Si Kuya Pao achuli hindi naman siya green. Joker. Ano, parang me pagka-offensive siya magjoke, na hindi mo madetermine kung joke nga or a way to shake you. Pero eventually, I knew he was just like that. And it was his way to have fun (haha, kami ba ang ginawang entertainment?) Haha. Nothing much to say against him. He's a very musical guy, with a very very good voice. I think I'm gonna like him. The rest of the Chorale. . . they're very talented people. I really like Ate Coco much. From the first time I saw her. She's cute talaga. Para siyang Koreanovela. Pero much more natural. Walang arte. Parang bata. Kuya Nikki has a truly good voice. Rich. At parang walang ka-effort effort kumanta. Its like the voice just comes out. The others are fun. I wish I could know them more. Nakakayanig isipin yung CURSE na sinasabi nila na pag-nagmember daw tas magki-quit. That wouldve made me back out last night. I had this little inkling in me telling me na 'Youre not gonna last. Ano na naman ba tong pinasok mo na hindi ka na naman tatagal?' Pero sabi ni Ashi, joke time lang daw yun. So I thought, I'd give it a try. And who knows? Di ba? Baka tumagal. Basta pag ako nawala sa Chorale I know it's not because ayoko na. It would come from a reason na hindi ko talaga kayang i-oppose or a problem na hindi ko kayang masolusyunan. Pero kung yaka, yaka! Go!

Unfortunate Misadventure

2006-11-17T16:39:00.000+08:00

Pure volume. . .

Pure volume. . . La lang. Nagpo promote.

God I need something. Super patay na ko. I'm bored. I'm senseless. Sometimes, I'm inhuman. Yah, not evil. Just 'not' human. I dont find enjoyment in what I am doing right now, or maybe later.

I'm missing vacation. I'm missing the escape into the realms of fiction. In the fields of green, or in the roads of dirt. With a friend. With a guy. With pulses rising due to the heat of the moment, OF THE SUN, for Christ's sake, not that. Picture it? The sun!

I am missing the bottle. And the smoke. Of course, right now with the smoke, the consequence lies heavy. I'm not diagnosed with any fucking illness or what but I'm forced to drink all those pills. Anti-back. Amoxicillin. Can I pass one or two? Nah. And it should always be on time.

So recently, rotting. Will be posting if the adventure strikes. . . AGAIN. . . niahahaa.

Post-Foundation Day Syndrome

2006-11-13T14:25:00.000+08:00

Hyak, as if. . . hindi naman ganon talaga ka-enjoy yung foundation. And you know why?

Harrrgh! Kasi Saturday, 4.30 am, gumising ako na inaapoy ng lagnat!!

And Ive had so many plans for the day! Shit talaga!!!

So I couldnt stand up, much more lie down properly. My head was fucking aching! Splitting talaga parang migraine! Chapos, I had difficulty breathing. My tummy was churning and churning and painful pero alam mo yung sakit na hindi mo talaga dama. Yung . . .basta! Unexplainably painful! And my back and my other parts of the body revolted. . .

Trangkaso ba? Dengue negative. Anything else negative. Possible cause. . . lungs? Hyay, I cant afford them to check-up my lungs! Or they would know!! Or maybe they know, pero they pretend they dont. Or wahaatever. So back to my story.

Ilang hours akong bedridden, I couldnt remember. All I could remember was I was trying to fight of the sickness. Two of my three sisters (na nasa tamang age to go to F.D.) ay stuck sa same situation I was in. They werent allowed. They have to clean the house. And I, after bumaba yung lagnat, pretended I was okay. . . and look ma! I washed the dishes! So after eating, they got decided to release me. Hah, thank God. Or thank God?

Sa jeep pa lang I was near to collapsing. So cold, cold, cold, yun lang yung nasa isip ko. Bumabaluktot na ko. I shouldve brought a jacket. Pero ako si Ms Magaling na wala na ang sakit. Ahh, the consequence. Bittersweet.

Tapos pagdating dun, aba'y sino bumulaga sakin!? Si 'sya' (read previous entry). But doesnt matter. A quick smile and a wave of hair. Ang taray no? Sino siya!? I've got plenty of my boylets. (haahahahaha!) And a new prospect. . . Uuuuuuhh. Wait.

So I frantically searched for the venue. Kala ko audi. Elem grounds pala. The place was teeming with people, mostly sa batch ko. Aba reunion? Haha. Magaling sila Streamline. Alimutan ko yung tinugtog nila eh, but I remember it was flawless. Hale ata ulit. Or not. And laki improvement ni drummer boy. And lahat sila. Tapos nun the other bands; Audio Barangay - Velvet Revolver and Hallelujah (na triny ulit nila at it failed so badly it hurts), Spongebob - Martyr Nyebera, The 'Other' Band - Cant Stop, and the last but not the least (and the school's favorite and winner last year, and the KING of PCS battle of the bands, and ang manok ng mga teachers Your wedding my Funeral! ). Hah, yes, magaling sila. I wouldnt disagree. Hyahm but the hangiiiin. . . ako'y natatangayyyy! Well, pero magaling sila. They've always deserved it. And it hurts so bad because they do. Si Streamline tigan mo, they have places. I dont know why theyre not plunging into the CELEBRITY STATUS yet like the PuddleofMudd- or OrangeNLemons- alike guys of Your Wedding. Husssh. Stop it nah. And the results! Chagchagaraaagg!

Champion : Your Wedding, My Funeral
1st Runner-up : Spongebob (BEENTAAAA!)
2nd Runner-up : Streamline

Now go to dance. . . Yun yung nais ko sanang panoorin. I would like to see guest performers, batch 2004-2005 alumni Jonathan Ocampo (ex-president of Dance Troupe), Jolo something (same batchyear), ka-YFC ate Melai, YFC Emil, and the other girl. Haayy, galing nilang sumayaw. Grabe. Hah. Sayang na-DQ sila nung Sector Con. I have watched them practice. Pero sayang, di naka-confirm si Jad. Well, I got to watch our manok, New Generation. Hit me baby one more time, it's tearing up my heart, bebot, bebot. Hard work.

Champion : Forgot the name
1st Runner-up : Sasha Fabulosa
2nd-Runner-up : New Generation.

Hay, kapagod day. Paguwi. Umaapoy ulit. Pero it was fun. You know why? Because si prospect, he asked my number. He's so coooool. Talagan' talaga. At least he asked. It was enough. Siya nang bahala if he would ring it, text it. Hahyyy. . . Pero fun talaga. . .

I have to go! Mabibinat ulit ako eh! Dapat di talaga ako papasok if only I'm not believing in Mrs Dumawal's +3 sa final grade and perfect attendance. Hasuuuh!

Byeee! -til next time!

SENTI MODE : ANI'NAT. . .

2006-11-06T10:42:00.000+08:00

Senti mode. . .

Depressed. . .

Gusto nang umiyak ngayong minutong to. . .

Hindi ba matatapos?

Ang sakit, amp. . .

Naguguluhan ako. . .

Gusto ko sya. . .

Pero iba ang gusto niya. . .

Bakit niya pinapakitang me gusto din sya sakin?

Bakit niya ko pinapahirapan ng ganto?

Tapos para marinig lang sa labi niyang. . .

"Balak ko ngang ligawan si eh. . ."

TANGINA!

Bakit ganito?

Nakakaasar na!

Wala na ba kong happy ending??!

Lagi na lang. . . hindi pa ba naaawa ang tadhana sakin?

Bakit hinayaan ako na ma-inlove sa isang taong hindi pwede?

AMP talaga!! Sawang sawa na ko!

Pero di ko mapigilan. . .

Akala kong sya na yung makakapagpakalimot sakin. . .

Pero bawat salita

Bawat gawa

Lahat. . .

Sya lang maisip ko. . .
Bawat sandali. . .
Nananaginip na makasamang muli. . .
Pag kasama kita. . .
Nalilimutan ko ang lahat. . .
Na parang ayoko nang maghiwalay pa tayo. . .
Tangina mo ba't ganon?
Ano bang meron ka?
Oo nga ano bang meron ka?
Wala ka namang pera
Kuripot
Hindi ikaw yung hinahanap ko
Pero ikaw yung natagpuan ko. . .
Aaaaah! Ang hirap!
At ang masama pa e, wala kang alam!
Haaaaahh! Siguro alam mo
Malay natin
Oo na, wala akong pinapakitang kahit ano. . .
Kasi naman natatakot ako. . .

Ayokong. . .

. . .mawala. . .

. . .ka

* * *
Magkasama tayo non
Hindi ko maalala yung panahong
Naging ganon ako kasaya
Na para bang kulang na lang eh. . .
Haha, alam mo na. . .
Naglalakad tayo
Na para bang walang ibang tao. . .
Walang minutong hindi ako nakangiti
O nakatawa. . .
Doon sa may maraming damo. . .
At lupa. . .
Walang tao. . .
Madilim. . .
Gabi. . .
Sayang kung tayong dalawa lang. . .
Baka. . . haha, alam mo na. . .
Hindi ko malimutan. . .
Ilang gabi na no?
Parang nung. . . isang araw lang yun ah. . .
Haha, sana iniisip mo din ako. . .
Sige tatawanan ko na lang. . .
Baka sakaling maalis din kita sa isip ko. . .
* * *

Ano ba?
Tama na nga to. . .
Shit talaga!
Shit shit shit!

GRABE TALAGA!

2006-10-27T12:06:00.000+08:00

As in grabe! So, I saw him two days ago and we went to his house. Ayun, kwentuhan. After some good 3 or 4 months, yun yung last time na nagkita kami. Tas ayun, we sat on his bed, trying to talk about something with sense. I missed him you know. Pero syempre, the love's just. . . different. Then we made out, but it was too. . . much, na parang ayun masyadong wild. (whatta word). Sana nga I'm making the right decision. Tigan mo ha, I was the one hurt. Sinasabi niyang it was my fault pero look here, that night, on the fone. . .
"Di ba dapat naghahanap ka na ng masasandalan mo ngayon? Magkaibigan na lang tayo eh. . ."
Yah he said that and although I was trying to make a laugh of it in the phone, I was seriously crying. Shit talaga, amp. Pride men, an sakit! Of course, I made all the effort. I said sorry, I apologized. I said I'd make up for everything lost. Pero epz. There was no hope that I could see. At that time. He pushed me away na parang tanga lang. And to him, it wasnt such a big fuss. Tapos ngayon?? Ganto? Ang gulo niya! Natatakot ako of course. Hindi na siya yung dating kilala ko. . . Andaming nagbago. He swears na mahal niya pa rin ako. . . God, I'm trying to move on! As in! Pero the harder I try, the more I just fall. . . EPALLL!!!!

TEARS IN HEAVEN

2006-10-11T09:38:00.000+08:00

i dont know what i'm doing here. i dont know where i should go or what i should do. lately, my moodswings are lethal, just like the turns of fate in every event of my everyday life. subconsciously, i do things i half-heartedly do, and everything is falling out of place. it sucks to think i have become like this, the very person i have sworned to never become. those girls you'll scorn after hearing they're their social life, even those important like studies, for the so-called love bug. is it love? is it pride? is it what i inherited from watching all those movies, reading all those books and hearing all those songs? misery.

i shouldnt be here. i should be where everyone else is, i should be doing what everyone else is doing. and yet, i dont. because i am going to follow the will of my heart, the dictates of my inner impulse to go there, in his place, and see his face, and kiss his lips. shit fuck, it doesnt sound good. i'm not that type. and yet my hormones are raging, and theyre pulling my feet. is it because of the past i cant let go? a past that'll remain a past. a memory that resides in a slowly fading part of my mind, to be rekindled a night ago, by his call abrupting my conversation with my pathetic 'other', a guy i thought could seam the hole. and now, i've been crying incessantly during my bouts of loneliness. and instead of following a stupid plan i created for revenge, i am now against myself, an enemy. his very words, I STILL LOVE YOU, useless words which i used to laugh at before, now drives me, ironically, in muffled tears that i keep to myself.

and yet, i know he's not who he used to be. and i know for sure that i'm after another heartbreak, and a long series of sleepless nights listening to songs like 'tears in heaven.' even my friends tell me how he's change, and how he's not worth it. and yet i'll go. and in the world perhaps the only person who can stop me is either me, or the one above us all.

he's waiting. and i'm in it for his surprise. maybe after making out, we'd have a talk. then, who knows what the next thing might be?

Ten Questions in Life

2006-10-03T12:50:00.000+08:00

TEN FAVORITES
1. televison show: kim sam soon
2. flower(s): violets! that's why I love the color.
3. color: purple. black.
4. sport: not really a sport fan. maybe basketball. or soccer.
5. mall: market market. glorietta. sm malls (any).
6. music: punk rock. emo. metal. trance. ambient techno.
7. food: anything except pepper or ginger!
8. season: UAAP season! kidding, summer.
9. animal: rabbit. . . whoo, miss ko na si Lucky and si Sherlock!!
10. friends: *mtm*

TEN FACTS.
1. hometown: makati
2. hair color: black
3. hair length: an inch or two lagpas nung shoulder
4. hair style: pabago-bago depends sa temperature
5. eye color: brown
6. shoe size: 7 1/2 - 8
7. mood: nac-cr (niark?)
8. orientation: straight !
9. available: YES!
10. lefty/righty: righty

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE. (hmmm...)
1. have you ever been in love: maybe.
2. do you believe in love: slightly.
3. why did your last relationship fail: kasi . . . habang storya. . .
4. have you ever been heartbroken: yes.
5. have you ever broken someone's heart: madame!! harrharr! (i think. . .)
6. have you ever fallen for your best friend: once. havent got the chance to tell him though.
7. have you ever loved someone but never told them: yun nga.
8. are you afraid of commitment: no naman.
9. have you ever kissed someone you like: courzie!
10. have you ever had a secret admirer: di ba nga secret? pano ko malalaman?

TEN THINGS: THIS OR THAT.
1. love or lust: love!!
2. hard liquor or beer: hard liquor.
3. night or day: NIGHT
4. one night stands or relationships: pwedeng both. grarr. niahahar.
5. television or internet: internet
6. pepsi or coke: coke.
7. wild night out or romantic night in: pwede ring both
8. colored pictures or black and white pictures: COLORED. naman.
9. phone or in person: face to face, better.
10. aim or myspace: myspace

TEN HAVE YOU EVER.
1. have you ever been caught sneaking out: never.my plans are fail-proof pag ganyang mga bagay.
2. have you ever skinny dipped: never.
3. have you ever done something you regret: yes. a lot.
4. have you ever bungee jumped: i would wish i could.
5. have you ever been on a house boat: nope. wish i could too.
6. have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker: yes, and thank God, yes.
7. have you ever wanted someone so badly that it hurts: partly?
8. have you ever kissed someone you shouldn't: yah! and it freaks me out ngayong naaalala ko!
9. have you ever been caught by your parents with a hickey?: nofe.
10.have you ever driven a car? i would want to. but no.

TEN EMOTIONS.
1. are you missing someone right now: yezzz. everyday.
2. are you happy: slightly. moodswings.
3. are you talking to anyone right now: its hard no.
4. are you bored: yes. very.
5. are you german: nofe.
6. are you irish: i would want to be.
7. are you french: nofe.
8. are you Italian: try Filipino baka tumama.
9. are your parents still married: yess. and I hope they're. . .
10. do you like someone right now: i'm trying to. . .

(pwede nyo ring kopyahin at sagutan on your own site! dont need to mention me.!)

The Koreanovelas, The Chipipay Girls, and Your Missing Identity

2006-10-03T09:55:00.000+08:00

UNANG YUGTO :

Nang dumating ang Koreanovela sa Pinas. . .

Ako si Kristy. Nasa kolehiyo ako ngayon, nagaaral sa isang magandang paaralan. Unang taon lang ako at ang kinukuha ko ay. . . hay, hindi na yun mahalaga. Pakinggan mo na lang ang aking ikekwento.

Mga second-year highschool pa lang ako nang bumugsong ang usong-uso (pa noon) na F4. Hayok na hayok talaga ako n'on at nagwawala ako tuwing hindi ko nasusubaybayan ang Meteor Garden. Buong bayan, yun ang pinaguusapan. Noong una akala ko jologs at pang-masa lang ang palabas na yon, pero nung nasimulan ko na, naadik na ko sa panonood. Pagdating sa classroom, mas kilala nila ko bilang San Cai. Magkasing-haba kami ng buhok, magkasing-hubog ng katawan (at magkamukha? hehee), pilit ko talagang gayahin si San Cai noon. Kahit bag ko nga katulad ng sa kanya. Sa klase, yung crush ko, siya si Hua Zi Lei. Talagang pakiramdam ko crush na crush ko siya at parang ako talaga si San Cai. Although me mga kaibahan sila ng Hua Zi Lei sa tv, tinatawag nila talaga syang Hua Zi Lei. Merong ding Dao Ming Xi, kaxo di ko sya type.

Nalungkot ako nang mawala ang Meteor Garden. Pero unti-unting nagbalik sa dati ang aking katauhan. Sunod-sunod na yun. Full House, Stairway to Heaven, Attic Cat, West Side Story. Sa paglaki ko syempre hindi ko na sila ginagaya, pero nood pa rin ako ng nood. Na-hook na naman ako nang napanood ko si Jang Geum sa Jewel in the Palace. Sobrang ganda niya! At napaka-simple pa. So eto dahil nagustuhan ko yung character niya, nagpilit akong maging mabait, simple, at pala-luto (kahit fried egg lang okay na). Pero dahil masyadong gabi na ang teleserye, hindi ko na rin naabangan.

Naguwi naman ang kapatid ko ng Kim Sam Soon. Eto na talaga. Eto nang eto na. Kahit na alam kong mas nakaka-relate ako sa character ni Hana (or Hee Jin), mas pinili ko si Kim Sam Soon. Dahil siya wala syang paki sa panlabas na kaanyuan, isang katangian matagal ko nang gustong pairalin sa sarili ko. Nain-love din ako kay Cyrus (or Xhenxian)! Grabe hindi ko alam kung anong nakita niya kay Sam Soon, pero sana ganun din ako. No? Yung kahit ano na ang mangyari mamahalin pa rin ako ng taong to. Na sa dinami-dami pa ng babae jan ako ang kanyang nakita.

Hindi ba yan ang dahilan kung bakit mahilig tayo sa Koreanovela? Nais nating maka-relate. Nais nating makita kung ano yung ginagawa ng mga bida kaya't ganon na lang sila mahalin. Kahit ano pang itsura nila. Well, hindi ko napansin, habang tumatagal, nagiiba na ang pananaw ko sa mundo. At sa ibang tao. Ngunit naging masakit nang malaman ko ang katotohanan.

Walang Kim Sam Soon. Walang Cyrus. Walang Hana. Wala silang lahat.

At ako lang ang nandito sa realidad. Walang tunay na pag-ibig. Walang pagkikita sa gitna ng ulan. Walang pagbibigay ng rosas matapos ang pagaaway. Wala.

Kaya't ngayon. Natuto na. Pero. . . mahilig pa rin naman sa Koreanovela. La tayo magagawa e. Nakakatawa.

A Reaction to Pieper's "The End is Silence"

2006-10-02T12:48:00.001+08:00

"God exceeds all our capabilities of possessing him, that all our knowledge can only be the cause of new questions, and every finding only the start of a new search."

-Josef Pieper

"The End is Silence"

- = -

This perhaps should answer it all. How are we to find out if God exists or not, when we are only human? How can we perceive the unperceivable, fathom the unfathomable, explain the unexplainable, when we are only limited creatures, incapable of even trying to understand ourselves? What much more of something, or someone greater?

- = -

St. Thomas couldve provided us with his Five Proofs, (http://www.aquinasonline.com/Topics/5ways.html ) only that they were proofs from theory and reason. Could he really capture in words the existence of God, or of a natural order? Does this natural order have to come from God? And what is God?

- = -

Blaise Pascal tells us to wager, but what to choose? He restricts us with only two options, believe or dont believe. Well what if the origin of all that we can or cannot percieve does exist, but there is no end? Or that the end would come naturally. What if there is the Higher Being, but what if He isnt the God we know? What if there is no afterlife at all? Besides, the idea of an afterlife was also incorporated in us upon birth, and that it came also from our forefathers. How are we to know? Who is to answer these questions? Man, like I? But as I said, man like I cannot because knowing these things would strip him of his being human. And then, what will be presented to me, more postulates, more words? Will we not all find out, when we pass this world?

So really, God exists, because He had been, ages ago, even when man hadnt found out about Christ or our Creator, God the Father.

- = -

The only thing that we can do, and I suggest we do, is live this life following an unknown path, or order.

- = -

Anong meron? Ano ang Absolute Beauty? At ano si God?

2006-09-27T15:40:00.000+08:00

. . .sa taong happy?

I dont know. What makes them smile. I dont know. I wish I knew. Or maybe alam ko, pero I just dont have it. Eto na naman, me and my rantings. Pero I cant help it. I've been suffering from depression lately. Why? I dont understand. Kahapon lang, I was sitting on the jeep, then that thought came up to my mind. Depression. Kinda funny for a person who seemed to be uber-unaffected of everything around her. Siguro defense mechanism na lang yun. Yung feeling-feeling na hindi naaapektohan sa mga nangyayari, nasasabi, o nagaganap sa paligid niya. That straight, brave, strong face proud to be super-independent. Yun pala facade lang. Jeeperz, the writer in me. Kung mag-sulat nagpapaka-deep. Must be the effect of too much EMO lately. Oi, correctionaré! Hindi ako EMO. Nakikinig lang ng EMO. (Ganon?)

- = -

Well, anywayz, no development. Kung anu-ano na nangyayari sa buhay. . . Nilalamon na ako I think with these 'depressing' thoughts. Bale, its my fuel. The fuel to my personality. Fuel to my writing passion. (Yuck, feeling writer. . .!) Kasi, to admit it, I hate it. Pagnakakakita ako ng girls na todo-make-up, todo straight the hair o todo curl. O yung shucks naka-eyeshadow, naka-mascara, naka-blush-on na ang blush-on ay talagang FINK na halatang-halata na para talagang pinapalandakan niyang 'HEY PEOPLE ME BLUSH-ON AKO!" School? Classroom? Helow? Pupunta ka bang JS PROM everyday? Niarhar. So yeah, me sakit din ako ng vanity, siguro we are entitled at least to powder twice a day, or put a little red on our faces para naman hindi mukhang living dead. Pero shucks talaga ha.

And what is beauty ba? ABSOLUTE BEAUTY in my opinion COMES FROM THE INSIDE. Sige, we get confident kung kung ano-anong echos ang ilagay natin sa ating mukha. Pero is that beauty? I think beauty comes from what's within us, from our intentions, from our being true to ourselves, from our being secure and comfortable with what/who we are, from our being able to stand up for ourselves and be different, from being able to resist conformity and just being our true UNIQUE self. That's the way beauty should go. Hindi yung girl na 'Wow, pare ang ganda. Ang ganda magmake-up.' O yung 'Wow, tol, so pretty naman. The dress.' Dapat yung titingin ang mga tao sayo because you've got the IT. The character. The inside bloom. Pero one person's opinion. Lalo na in this day and age of o-t-c beauty remedies and plastic surgery, anong laban ng walang pera ha? You want to be flawless, or sexy or hide those eeeew eyebags or make your eyes look vibrant, with just one touch (or retouch) ayos ka na! Dont be fooled people. Pero as I was saying, siguro iba-iba rin ang perception natin ng maganda.

- = -

And so we go philo. The Wager. Questions in life, bakit kelangang mag-wager? Do we really have to place a bet? Bale, ano nga bang mawawala if we believe in God? Minimal. Siguro yung one-hour every week lang na pagsisimba, or yung pagpapray at night, before eating, o sign of the cross in front of the church. Things that are really, mortal. Yung pleasure, siguro PMS, o yung pagpapaka-immoral. Pero tigan niyo ha. Some scholars believed na ang Bible is just a moral guide. (not that I believe in them) It's for our own good. Diba? Bakit ba bawal ang PMS? Baka mabuntis ng maaga. O keeping your dangal. Bakit ba bawal mag-sinungaling? Para malinis ang konsensya. O para other people would not lie too. Para hindi na nagkaka-lokohan. Bakit dapat galangin ang magulang? Heller? Magulang yan. Nagpalaki sa yo yan. Nakatira ka pa sa poder nyan (whether you like it or not). So, basically because they gave you life, they made you what you are, and most of all, they love you. If you dont love them back, at least, give them due respect. Diba? Sense? Anong mawawala if we follow spiritual norms? Anong mawawala if we pray? Baka benefit pa natin yun. Me nakakausap tayo pag-mag-isa. If you dont believe, then marahil ang mawawala lang sayo is the eternal salvation. Imagine, yung life mo here on earth. It's very transient. 100 years is not enough. It's only a prelude to the real thing. The afterlife. Di ba ang saya? When you die, you expect something.

- = -

Does God exist? He does. In the most obvious ways. Sinasabi ng ibang philosophers jan, its hard to explain whether God exists. Pwede ba yun? The very fact na binanggit mo yung God, it means na you believe He does, but you cant just explain it. Pero HE DOES. Kung hindi, explain where we all came from. A massive star explosion? Biglang sprout ng matter or tiny living form? E san galing yun? Chaka di ba nga we're limited. Then there's one who is not. Sya na may hawak ng order, responsible why we function without colliding into one another. Kung bakit ang stars at planets ay nakakabit sa kanilang gravity belt at hindi nahuhulog o nagkakabungguan. Di ba? He does exist. He may not be the God na nasa Bible, o si Allah, o si Buddha, o si Zeus, pero He's there. The Almighty. D ba St. Thomas? Nakita niya nga eh. Daming miracles no? Explain nyo ngayon yan.

This is me. . .Just me.

2006-09-22T01:25:00.000+08:00

MemoiRs

2006-09-21T16:42:00.000+08:00

PAIN turns to
PLEASURE

when we have made the
CROOKED
STRAIGHT.

-Dr. Irene Lising
9/21/2006; 03:15pm

- = -

Haizt, she's got a point. Songbirds of Pain is a very good read. Ang galing din ng pagkakaexplain ni Dr. Lising, our Literature teacher. She was a physician pala, I was surprised. I mean, two almost opposite things, medicine and literature. . . She mustve either really wanted lit or teaching was in her blood. She's a very cool woman. I think I have mentioned her before. Hmm. Ayun, so I remembered. I was in the same position. I'm not nanghihinayang. I'm so over it. Okay, he had a girlfriend. Everyone knew of that. They were a well-known couple. Parang elem pa lang sila na. When I met him, didnt know. Honestly. I thought he was a very nice guy. He never even mentioned her. Siguro because I didnt ask. Of course I thought he was single. Maybe he used to his advantage the fact na I was a newcomer. But he was so sweet. He called me every friggin' day. Until everyday I was looking forward to his calls. But of course, dumating yung panahon na the girlfriend confronted me. She told me to stay away. And she was crying. Pero I have loved him na at that time. And I was so torn. The only stupid thing I did was loved him more. Kahit na itinatago niya na ko sa lahat. Kahit na everything was so secret. Kahit na minura na ko in front of a crowd nung girlfriend niya. He promised me. He said he'll break up with her I just had to wait. I waited. I brought him home para pakilala siya to my parents. But they found out everything about us. And so I had to give up. The very day after ko ginawa yon, it felt so good. Then eventually, I met . . . G.

Colors and the Existence of God

2006-09-15T19:39:00.000+08:00

- = - Sept. 15, 2006 :: Friday - = -

baD tRiP! in oNe dAy, mE sipOn, mE miGrainE, sKiN aLLeRgy, and pEriOd! sAn kA pa! buLLsHit an' init pAh! gRrRr! tAgaL pa mAg-upLoAd ng piCsSs nitOng sLowEr tHan sLow na iSp na tO!! hAtE thiS dAy!

- = -

anD aBsent na nAmAn akO,. As if i wanted to! My head is like splitting to pieces! I know meron kaming presentation for English. Pero what could I do? Di ba naman everything went wrong? Everything never fails to go wrong. And still my anger isnt appeased. Shit but who cares? Tama na nga tong dadadada na to.

- = -

Anything philospophical today? Ah yeah, so I was having a conversation with my youngest sis, actually konting asaran lang. And I came to ask her some questions. Here try some.

This is corny. Lumang test na to. Pero just try it.

Read. Not the word, but their FONT COLOR. In ten seconds. Go? Ready, GO!

PURPLE. RED. GREEN. BLUE. YELLOW. ORANGE. PINK.

Easy? Not quite.

So I was asking her, what is the color of our guitar? Of course our guitar was blue green so she said blue green. Then I told her what if the guitar was red. So sabi niya, hindi sya maniniwala.

And I said, "Why? Bakit hindi? Who told you that the guitar was blue green? How did you know?"

And she replied, "Because my teacher said so."

I asked again, "What if your teacher told you that the guitar was red?"

"Then I wont believe her." "Well, what if the teacher of your teacher told you the guitar was red? And all the other teachers did too?"

"I still wont believe all of them. I just know its blue green."

And so I learned how stubborn she is. How we all are. Ano bang purpose nung test above and yung kwento about my sister? Kasi words cannot explain everything. Lahat ng bagay binigyan ng names, di ba? Eh what if blue green nga yung name ng red? So what? Does it rob the red of its being a color? Hindi di ba? We just know its a red, as the color of our lips, an apple, and blood. Parang si God. Okay, tawagin na natin siyang Yahweh, Allah, The Highest High, The Most Powerful, The Ever-evers, Nirvana, State of Total Happiness and Perfection, pero He'll just remain as who He is. GOD. And we dont really have to give a name for Him. Kasi we just know He's present. Because of our senses. Or because of certain events and circumstances that can only be when He's existing. Hindi man natin matawag na miracle, sabihin na lang nating extraordinary.

- = -

. .the rebel. .

2006-09-12T12:51:00.000+08:00

- = -

my God, my previous posts were so beautiful. I dont think its appropriate to say the next lines, but these are what i really felt.

bakit ganon? i hate my family. i hate every damn one of them. i dont even want to go home anymore. shit, parang everything sucks at home. the very minute i get home, kahit pauwi pa lang, this hate builds up inside of me, this loathing. nakakairita. injustice is the only thing prevailing at home. walang fairness, walang pagkakapantay-pantay. sabihin na nilang makitid ang utak ko, f-ck shit sige na, ano ba sila? did they even try to understand me, or ask whats going on? ano ba ko sa bahay? sasabihin nilang 'youre just a boarder' pero i do it kasi yun din ang trato nila sakin. its so unfair!

and lalo na yung mga kapatid ko! an ingrato, a nerdy know-it-all, a negra who feels like she can boss us all. so what kung popular (or feeling popular) siya sa school? i dont f-cking care kung ano siya sa labas. when she's at home, she should be my weeny little sister.

and of course the source of all evil in the world, the devil! would you believe it ladies and gentlemen, the devil, SATAN, lives at our home, and is under our roof. how dare he pretend! why is he even f-cking existing! my life would be uber-okay if he's not in the picture.

see that? i get home to what? this? everything is unfair! my younger sisters can flirt with whoever boys they like, f-cking whores, but i dont even have the right to talk to any guy on the phone? tignan niyo, ive met him. i think i do. i have been waiting for several darn months for him. tall, rich, educated. he's everything! but they'll just ruin it! as if we'll f-ck each other. im so not that! so yeah, i smoke, i drink. but i can regulate myself. i was offered drugs, but i didnt do it. crap, okay i'll continue this shit later. late for class. again.

- = -

so this is later. ayun nga. i hated it. its hard to keep a smiling face. what rights do i have? what can i do? i know myself. i have dreams, i have ambitions. i wont ruin myself for nothing. once in a while i would want to have freedom. i would want a life like everyone else is leading. is it fair? to ground me? at home, no cellphone, no internet, not even a tv or a radio. and heck, even telephones are restricted for 'girls' and important calls. they keep on accusing me of stuff. i have broken their trust, yeah what. would i break their trust if they were not strangling me? what is much better, trust between parents and children, or the child to forever hide from his/her parents? see, hindi nga ako makapag-bonding sa kanila eh. i cant tell them stuff like what 'really' happened in school, or who my new crush was, or why me and my boyfriend broke up, or how i was tempted to engage in sex, but prevented it? tignan mo, if only i havent promises to keep to God, siguro i couldve succumbed. siguro i couldve done it, sex, and malay mo, may magbunga. see? would they like that? its the more they tighten their hold, the more i would want to break free.now how about that?

- = -

When I Defended the Country (I Guess)

2006-08-29T10:37:00.000+08:00

Saturday, August 19th, 2006Phillipines: A New Hope?

Well it seems that my tolerance and patience for American ideology has reached it's limits. My best buddy Scott and myself are going on a reconnaissance trip to the Phillipines, checking out land, property, etc. It's going to last a month; to which we will return put our heads together and decide on where we are going to open our bar and convenient store. He has already taken a couple trips there for pleasure alone and fell in love with it. I'll see if I feel the same. Don't take my negative opinions about this country as an unpatriotic state of mind. Infact I love my land; but despise most of the people, thought process, and the sickening obsession with religion and politics. We speak of this place as if it's a land of freedom, and oppertunity. That may have been true sometime ago; but it seems it's become a land of laws and oppression. In my opinion the meaning of "freedom" is holding on by a thread. With no room for a respectable option for change or doubt. When retaliation comes, not IF, but WHEN it comes from all the other countries sick of all the bullying and unruly muscle we lay on everyone, I don't want to feel the consequences for other peoples extreamly foolish actions and mistakes. If anyone that keeps with current events knows what I'm talking about. How long do they think the rest of the world will "fear" our "power?" My appologies, I digress. We've estimated a $50,000-$75,000 to open both the bar and store. We've figured in another $25,000-$30,000 to build the two houses. It's extreamly affordable to live in paradise. REAL paradise. So far all the information I've gathered on this wonderful area in Asia has given me one hell of an ultimatum to my plight.

Aloha, -T

Posted By sickboysurf3286 @ 10:28 PM

- = -

Ung nasa taas post sa isound blog. Ok ba? Eto yung mga sinabi nung ibang users.

- = -

davedrunken's comment posted August 22nd @ 10:48 AM: Well, I know there is a lot of anti-american sentiment around the world and that is totally understandable considering the way our government conducts business. However, I truly believe that when the shit really hits the fan, there will be know safe place to hide anywhere in the world. At that point, you'll have to take your own stand no matter where in the world you live. So, I wish you all the best and hope it all works out for you....Cheers

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evinatea's comment posted August 28th @ 9:10 AM: Hey There, I think that before you start investing on a third world country's economy, you do research on their social-political background for the last 20 years. The reason is Philippines had a turbulent political past during and after Marcos regime. About corruption that I am sure (maybe) it's now gone with the new administration, but nevertheless, worth investigating. Here is what you should do, get an interpreter and go through several zones, specially over the zone you will be most likely to invest and ask shop owners and shop keepers if they are being forced to let go of a chunk of their earnings for "protection" to anyone (including authorities) you know what I am trying to say here right? Third world countries political landscapes change almost overnight. You are not safe brandishing the American flag in most part of the world these days (it's really sad, but real), so find out where their Moslem population is based, just to be on the safe side don't open up business near the corner where the Mosque is. One more thing to remember, weather patterns have changed dramatically in that area, see if there are insurance companies that will cover flood damage. And the last thing, know all there is to know about income taxes and see how much favors or not to foreign small business investors. There is a price to pay abroad nowadays for coming from the greatest country in the world. E. Vinatea

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Syempre pagtatanggol ko bansa natin no?

- = - My Comment - = -

trixjones07's comment posted August 28th @ 9:51 PM: Thank you for the wonderful compliments you gave my country, the Philippines. Indeed, this is one heck of a paradise. I love my country and even if I would fly away and go around the globe, this would be my forever home. The Philippines' geography makes other foreigners like you think that this is paradise. But the truth is, it's becoming less so. Why? Because here in our country there are less people like me who love our own country. Like America, the Philippines used to be one free country too. But slowly, everything is being oppressed; speech, media, action. Because we just conform. We do nothing against what the authorities order, or what the society impels us to do. Not because we cant, but because we wont. Sadly, our patriotism is dying, and almost all of the friends that I know, people that I love, or members of my family flee to yours or some other land they believed would give them a bright future. Now, I hope you can reflect on this. Maybe it just doesnt apply on our country, the lack of love for our fellowmen. But yours too. And you.

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trixjones07's comment posted August 28th @ 9:57 PM: Oh and by the way, Marcos' regime was long gone, and he now just serves as a bleak mark in our country's history of tyranny and abuse of power. But, in my opinion, he was one of the greatest president's the Philippines had. During his reign, safety was at its prime. Everyone was disciplined, every city, every town. Crime rates dropped, and the arts rose. Our tourism boosted and our trade flourished. During his time, a lot of artists became known worldwide, plus a number of models who competed and won on international contests. I dont think it would be fair to judge Marcos without actually knowing what he did. Maybe his only fault was that he oppressed our freedom and was a victim of black propaganda (in my OPINION). There are still people here who are hoping for a Marcos-like ruler to put our country to order. Maybe not all, but some. It took them probably some years to realize it. Now look at our country today. We're sinking, unlike before, during that time of Marcos, when the Philippines was known all throughout the world.

- = - AUZ BA? Niak. - = -

Sector Conference : BLESSED

2006-08-22T09:21:00.000+08:00

Ayun so lagay ko lang what's currently on my mind. Aug. 20, 2006. That beautiful sector conference of YFC south-A manila. Ang ganda talaga. I was touched. Everything was so amazing. Everything was really for God. I thought I was there para lang lumaban. It was a competition. Pero I realized na hindi naman pala talaga to labanan. Kundi praises kay God for giving us such wonderful talents. And not only talents. Friends as well. People there who also love God and want to worship God like me. Iba talaga ang worship. I could feel His presence. Even upto now, I feel like Im still standing there, singing songs of praise. Yung mga tao either nakataas yung hands, or nakabow yung head, or nakapikit or umiiyak silently. Yung iba tinatanggi pa, halata naman, heehee. Just being there and seeing all those people, grabe, makes me feel like this world is really a better place. Na we dont have to contain ourselves. Na we can pray and enjoy at the same time. Oo nga SIGA ang champion. They were great. I enjoyed them myself. Ang lakas din ng hatak sa audience. They made the audience feel like they were part of the music playing. Ang saya talaga nila. They deserved it. I for my part, had much more. And that's the love of God. And now, everything I learned.

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We are indeed. We arent just lucky. We are blessed. Along with everything we have, a home, a group of friends, good schooling, food to eat, our parents, security, safety, we have one more thing that can never be taken away from us. And that's God. Okay, sabihin na nating once He let you down when you prayed for a 90 in your quiz and you got 75. Or your boyfriend eventually didnt show up on your date when you were dying to see him, even wearing your favorite dress. Pero hindi niyo ba naisip na everyday you wake up, with all your limbs still intact, breathing and healthy, na blessing na yun. Ano pa? The promise Jesus left all of us : SALVATION. When we die, saan ba tayo pupunta? If we believe. . .

- = - LIT. - = -

Change topic. Medyo hindi related. Mrs. Lising. She was one woman. Ang cute ng love story nila ng husband niya. Teacher namin siya sa Literature. Well, everything was because of her mom, who was a martyr. Her mom's life revolved around their home, her very reason for living was her husband, her offsprings. She had a very small environment. Unlike her father, na napakalaki ng mundo. Literally, mundo. He was a traveler, a businessman I think. He usually go places around the globe. At home, everything's okay. No kabit, stable income, stable family. Pero outside he wasnt that family man his family knew. His mind was set on his business. Pag nakasuot na ng tie, he's a very different man na. Hardly recognizable. And so Mrs. Lising promised to herself never ever ever to follow her mom's footsteps. She would only fall in love with someone smarter, perhaps more intelligent than her. Time passsed, college, then graduate school. There she met her future husband. He was very papansin to her, trying to catch her attention by borrowing notes intentionally. He had two beaufitul (according to Mrs. Lising's description) admirers, who were sexy and always prim and proper, unlike her who had nary a care about how she looked. But then it was she whom he followed. And eventually, he courted her strict grandma (first), then she. And they got married. So much for that. Sorry, but I just dont feel like saying much. I just wanna say its really cool. Their story. Anywayz, anyone who's into music : : :

iSound.com

find me : trix_jones07 (as always)

Chill. . . . . . . . .

Confessions, Sex and God

2006-08-14T13:59:00.000+08:00

Geepz, i dont know why you are reading this post with a God on its title. Pero its good because you bothered. Nowadays, God is the stuff people do believe in, but never, or in some really rare cases, talk about it, or even show it. We never really say to each other 'Look at this beautiful day. God must be around.' He is around. He's always been.

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I want to start this post about my relationship with God. People are never open about their relationship with God, except of course, in some rare cases. Perhaps when something out of the ordinary happened, like when you desperately need money, you prayed, and your aunt suddenly came barging through your house to hand you a 500 peso bill for your belated birthday gift. You just wanna shout out to everyone 'God is soooo good! I love Him.' And after that. . .

Just recently I have been blaming Him for all my problems. Ive been praying for horrible things, na sana kunin niya na life ko, na I already feel so hopeless. Ive been wishing for a sign, to see if there is still good in tomorrow. And then last Sunday. . .

He came back in my life. Like a rush of fresh air. After band practice kina Kuya Elmer, sa may Singalong, nag-mass kami ni Janno, our new guitarist from St. Anthony. Sabi ni Janno na kapag yung red light sa ibabaw ng confession room umilaw, I could go in and have my confession. Around the entrance hymn, bumukas yung red light. Punta na ako dun walang pila, unlike sa Don Bosco Church na medyo mahaba yung pila, o lalo na sa parish namen sa Guadalupe na parang pumuti na buhok mo hindi ka pa rin nakakapag confession. Kasi they do it on tight schedule. Unlike sa St Anthony, every mass ata meron. Diba napahiya pa nga ko, kasi when i opened the door, me nagcoconfess pa na old guy na ang sama tuloy ng tingin sakin. So I waited for a while and had my turn. It became my most memorable confession ever.

- = - CONFESSIONS - = -

I dont know about the way priests do confession. I just know they absolve sins, pray for you, and have this sacred vow that they would never ever say your sins to other people, even if youre the serial killer the whole town is looking for (oo, ikaw yun). My sister said she never really felt like having confession anymore after her first time. She was pouring out her heart to the priest, saying all her sins and regretting, then the priest, instead of giving solace, told her pa 'ang dami mo namang kasalanan.' Perhaps the priest didnt intend to mean anything. After my sister said it all, the priest just said, 'pinapatawad ko na lahat ng kasalanan mo. you may go,' leaving my sister in a blank state, waiting for more.

People may have their own ideas about confession. For some, its a necessity in Christian life. Theyre afraid that if they dont go to confession, their souls will burn in hell or the Lord God will never never forgive them forever. Some are Christians, but dont believe in the power of confession. Their opinion of priests affect their belief on the sacrament, that priests are just human and they do sins too. 'How can they be any different than sinful us? Do they have that real power to absolve anyone's sin or can we just absolve ourselves through prayer and penitence?' Both are partly true. If we dont go to confession, we might really suffer some consequences who-knows-what. And priests are just human like all of us. They sin. Some have vices, some smoke, some corrupt minors, some corrupt church money, et. al. But they do have the power to absolve us of our sins, given directly by God Himself, by Jesus who had said to His apostles, 'Whoever you forgive in my name, are forgiven by Me.' Whatever their background is. Its one of our sacraments. We all have our reasons. My reason is as plain as this. To just clear myself of all the burdens in my heart and feel the Holy Spirit enter me.

If you feel like the whole world has forsaken you, no kidding, go to mass. Or find a holy spot for you to be intimate with yourself and God. Rejuvenate yourself. Visit the Blessed Sacrament. Or have a confession. Based on my experience, I am very very very sure that you will feel love and inner peace again.

Curious about what happened on my confession? Simple. He was a wonderful priest. He was a foreigner, so he can hardly speak, or understand, our native language. At first, I dont know if I could express my every meaning fully with a second language. But then, i found it even more comfortable. (of course I wont share what my sins are, but maybe as you read on, you may have a hint.) I was saying all my sins, all my deeply-kept feelings, every wrong thing I am guilty of. And he was just intently listening. I said I was currently going through a crisis. Looking for an answer to my problems, looking for a new light. I was blaming God. I was blaming everything for my failed relationship with my boyfriend (ex), for our family problems, financial lack, and all those head-wrecking troubles and insecurities. I was hating the world. I hated everybody. I couldnt think properly. I told the priest I have been thinking of slashing my wrists (again). I wanted to run away. I couldnt find God anymore.

But He was there all along and it took me only a few minutes to realize. There were a lot of good things that priest had told me, that I would remember for the rest of my life. Due to my poor (very poor, actually near to malfunctioning) memory, I couldnt recall all. But his message stayed on me. He said :

'Dont worry if the world hates you. Dont worry if all of them dont like you. Our Creator loves you. And you, you love yourself, even if everyone has turned his/her back on you. Its okay to hate. Its human to hate. Sometimes, you cant help it. If you do, just let it be. It will pass, as everything will pass in this world. If you feel like your load is getting heavier, and your problems just pile up one after the other and you find yourself helpless, powerless to do anything, let lie. Let everything go their way, go their course. God will provide. God wont give you problems so hard and so difficult that all you can do is jump off a building and end your life. Things like these do happen. It is normal at your stage. Even I have been on that stage, the transition from your being young and frail to someone more stronger and more mature. Everyone passes this stage. You are not alone. The right time will come, maybe in God's time, and maybe in your own too. But always remember that God will provide. Solutions wont just drop from heaven. He wont solve your problems. But He will give you support, and help if needed be. Now if you think that somehow, nothing is happening, dont fret. Let things be. In this life, we would have to have patience. We have to endure, but not alone. Because God is there. He has always been. And He will be eternally. Dont be afraid of anything. God is always on your side. And you dont have to be afraid of Him, because He loves you. Even if the whole world condemns you, He will stay with you.'

During the confession, I was crying. He came on time, at my time, and maybe God's own time. He may not know it, be he was the answer to my prayer. It was his comfort that i was looking for. Those words. They seemed like they came from Jesus himself. I went out of the confession room feeling like a new person. I started to see everything in a new light.

They say, if you know something, and you think its right, dont just keep it to yourself. Share it. Like the Gospel said : "Proclaim His message on the rooftops."

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These days, I feel like Im on high. I really feel God everywhere. God is all that I needed. You know, I look outside my jeepney and I see all those places, and all those faces (wow, rhyme) and sometimes, the sunrise meeting the sky while passing J.P.Rizal, and all I could see is God on those things, like some inner light shining. Its not about being holy. We dont have to be saints. But find that part of yourself where you are comfortable, and peaceful, and there you have already found God.

"May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be."

I'm open for comments and violent reactions.

.Speechless.ako.

2006-08-10T10:42:00.000+08:00

Note : Some parts are private. Pero alam ko pag blog, public eh. Ah, kahit ano na.

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Its been years, months, and yet Im still not free. My every move aches with withheld emotions. I thought I had released them out, but now i am more burdened with the responsibility accompanying every word. That was almost a year ago. Last November 16. I think. And now, sorry kung maraming hindi niyo maiintindihan. Pero for those who know me, well, maybe you'll have an idea. At least in this way, luluwag yung isip ko. Action!

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It was like yesterday. Lahat ng sinabi mo, nagrereplay na parang shit na sirang plaka. NO joke. Maybe it just doesnt happen in the telenovelas. And now Im caught in the middle of the situation, looking at the two choices I have. There are no other. Its go or no. After two weeks, malaking magbabago sa buhay ko. In just one night. I could give it all, in exchange for something better. Pero walang kasiguruhan na I'll really get anything back. Gusto ko pa ring gawin. Pero heaven forbid, I'll be cursed. I still dont know what to do. I seem to have done everything. Pinakinggan ko na lahat ng advices ng friends ko. In vain. That might just be the only one option I have left. If only I could do more. . .

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You dont know how you hurt me. It wouldve been better if you say anything. I'll accept my faults. Kung kasalanan ko, fine, hindi ako makikipagtalo. At least, I'll what Ive done to push you away. But you dont say anything. You just look. And everyday, it just gets worse. Because you just look. Sometimes, theres even hardly a look between us. You just like stepped out of my life without message. Saan na yung pinagsamahan natin? Say something. I cant approach you. I have no courage or guts or the initiative maybe. Im sorry kung lagi na lang akong mali.

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And to you again. The one i was addressing above. I give you my sympathy for all those problems you have. Sincerely. Specifically about your family. But youre not alone. What would you know there are people around you who suffer more than you do, with problems they cant even say out loud not only because they prefer their privacy but because of the gravity of the circumstances.

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I cant please everyone. But if I can, I will. It is fine to be true to yourself, but please naman be sensitive of other people. Anong malay niyo na nakakasakit na pala kayo sa mga salita niyo or your actions. Life is short, yet we could be so much more than who we are now, do so much more than what we are doing presently. Life is full of possibilities. We shouldnt stay on one time frame, or divulge ourselves on problems that arent even self-solving. Yet moderation. The other way around. Lets not live life too fast that we miss out the details. Never take anything for granted. There is good in moderation, and reflection. God might not apply to all, pero He's just there, waiting. Sometimes He can be the last one we can trust and who can understand us. So moderation. DRINK MODERATELY!

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And the Walls Bound Us

2006-08-09T12:06:00.000+08:00

its funny. i'm not the only one missing. since this is my first blog, i wouldnt want it to be too much filled with wierdy, to just be misunderstood ideas, much like me. one or two things. but i cant guarantee that.

nawawala ako. literally, i am the type of person na madaling maligaw. ten times pa bago ko makabisado ang isang lugar. or more than. (bahay/studio nila kuya larry. ten times pa! nakakailan na ba ko?) hindi madali no, kala mo. me mga tao talagang matandain sa lugar. pero ako. i've been perpetually frightened of being lost. kaya nga hindi ko kaya mag-isa, not unless i really really have to.

in life, i am lost. there are so many things coming up, so many ideas to fill myself with, so many personalities and identities that i cant find my true self anymore. i look at someone and i see something nice in her, or something wonderful in the way she does things, and then i dont know, maybe i get some of her qualities. i didnt want it. nor do i mean to have it. pero its so natural of me. sometimes i just find myself sounding like someone else.

and now, i need a real me. someone that i could show everyone as genuine. not an imitator. do we really need to go with the flow of everything? do we need to wear this and that because everyone is wearing it? do we have to be afraid that someone might talk about us behind our back if we do not conform? do i have to act like im just like everyone else when i wanted to get away from all those restrictions? i try to tell myself, no one's telling you to do the same, or walang masama sa pagiging totoo. but i still follow. are these social norms? or is it just me limiting myself?