TOO EARLY FOR FAREWELL, TOO UNPREDICTABLE THE CIRCUMSTANCES

This can be the darkest storm of my year so far, despite not having been directly affected by Ondoy. Ondoy was a shock to me. I got my eyes opened up by these images of water. I remember the movie Waterworld. Scary. It marked on me one thing. It was a leveler. It showed us all however is our stature in life, we are all but just the same human beings. No one is immune from disaster, nor death. There is no exclusion, whether you be rich or poor. At that time, I saw people walking against the muddy torrents despite what they were wearing. At the streets, no not even those shiny cars could protect anyone.

Enough of Ondoy. One just has to turn on the TV to acquire all that he wants to know about it. Here I am myself, standing at the tail of my own tempest. What can be one of the hardest, if not the hardest itself, that can hit a person than financial incapacity? I feel locked with these circumstances. Decisions need to be done as soon as possible. The future, still far off as it may seem, is so calculable to me, so visibly staring me in the eye. Choices are limited and the fork path presents already its destinations.

The consequences of me staying is one and only: long and winding hardship. Once I go, the pain will sting transiently. I will be leaving behind a comfortable atmosphere and routine peace, not to mention people who share pieces of me. I have fallen and risen numerous times in my existence. New beginnings and re-adaptations should not be complex to me. But I have always been on an uncompromising stand, and LOATHE going for something against my inner desire.
How unpredictable situations are! Once again, plans I had worked around on and dreams I had fortified are slowly fragmenting itself, like a novel’s plot that some other suspense-author had written.

And all these excludes love (which I think, in my humblest opinion, is not of necessity right now)!

So what do I need? I need sensibility direly. If not to support this vision I have, then to counter-attack it with reason I might not be seeing now.

I AM FAILING. I had held my head too high on thoughts of strength and temporal invincibility that I overlooked the breaking platform I am standing on.

I’m losing my youth and it makes me sad. It’s not something to express in a space like this. But the way all this is consuming me is driving me to extreme measures in my head. The worst part is I can’t let go of the youth that was denied me. I even write in this almost-intelligent manner to mask my true feelings, the real words I yearn to release.
It’s tiring to always prove one’s strength and limits. I’m glad on how I’ve become an inspiration to some people, because nothing can be more heart-fattening than that, despite it being an enemy to my principle of self-acceptance and being real.

Sigh. No matter how long this goes or how full or near-to-full I pour out these ponderings on my lamentation, at the end of the day the decision stays there to make.

I guess it’s time to go.

It had been a beautiful walk, for I had walked with beautiful people, imperfect as we all are.

I will be bringing what I had learned with me, and it may be consolation enough. Who could tell?

With this, so help me God.

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hi! first i'd like to introduce myself. i'm pam. i grew up with a pen name of trix jones but now i'm thinking of using my real name. why not right? it's a nice name.

i love music. i love arts. i'm a Christian. my whole life i've been directed to the arts, well not that i'm much of an artist. i just find happiness in beauty and aesthetic things.

TOO EARLY FOR FAREWELL, TOO UNPREDICTABLE THE CIRCUMSTANCES

This can be the darkest storm of my year so far, despite not having been directly affected by Ondoy. Ondoy was a shock to me. I got my eyes opened up by these images of water. I remember the movie Waterworld. Scary. It marked on me one thing. It was a leveler. It showed us all however is our stature in life, we are all but just the same human beings. No one is immune from disaster, nor death. There is no exclusion, whether you be rich or poor. At that time, I saw people walking against the muddy torrents despite what they were wearing. At the streets, no not even those shiny cars could protect anyone.

Enough of Ondoy. One just has to turn on the TV to acquire all that he wants to know about it. Here I am myself, standing at the tail of my own tempest. What can be one of the hardest, if not the hardest itself, that can hit a person than financial incapacity? I feel locked with these circumstances. Decisions need to be done as soon as possible. The future, still far off as it may seem, is so calculable to me, so visibly staring me in the eye. Choices are limited and the fork path presents already its destinations.

The consequences of me staying is one and only: long and winding hardship. Once I go, the pain will sting transiently. I will be leaving behind a comfortable atmosphere and routine peace, not to mention people who share pieces of me. I have fallen and risen numerous times in my existence. New beginnings and re-adaptations should not be complex to me. But I have always been on an uncompromising stand, and LOATHE going for something against my inner desire.
How unpredictable situations are! Once again, plans I had worked around on and dreams I had fortified are slowly fragmenting itself, like a novel’s plot that some other suspense-author had written.

And all these excludes love (which I think, in my humblest opinion, is not of necessity right now)!

So what do I need? I need sensibility direly. If not to support this vision I have, then to counter-attack it with reason I might not be seeing now.

I AM FAILING. I had held my head too high on thoughts of strength and temporal invincibility that I overlooked the breaking platform I am standing on.

I’m losing my youth and it makes me sad. It’s not something to express in a space like this. But the way all this is consuming me is driving me to extreme measures in my head. The worst part is I can’t let go of the youth that was denied me. I even write in this almost-intelligent manner to mask my true feelings, the real words I yearn to release.
It’s tiring to always prove one’s strength and limits. I’m glad on how I’ve become an inspiration to some people, because nothing can be more heart-fattening than that, despite it being an enemy to my principle of self-acceptance and being real.

Sigh. No matter how long this goes or how full or near-to-full I pour out these ponderings on my lamentation, at the end of the day the decision stays there to make.

I guess it’s time to go.

It had been a beautiful walk, for I had walked with beautiful people, imperfect as we all are.

I will be bringing what I had learned with me, and it may be consolation enough. Who could tell?

With this, so help me God.

1 comments // Post a Comment