Shotgun: Promotion, Death and Love

Once again my resolution to stop smoking would have to be for the next year I guess. A deep exhale here. Let's see. Cos this is shotgun. I have to really like type fast to catch up to my mind's fast production of words.

I am stepping on new shoes. Literally, it doesn't make sense cos I haven't bought any new shoe for the year. In fact I have bought little for myself for this year. What that meant is that, it feels strange. Like I see everything through another persons eyes.

I know myself because I still am aware of what my likes and dislikes are, what makes me happy and what irritates me, what my favorite foods are and what kind of clothes I would never even think of wearing.

But the laughter. It's the laughter that is new. I feel so light, as in the Lightness described in Milan Kundera's Unbearable Lightness of Being. And most of all, I feel so stupid. I am not happy with what I'm typing. I feel all this is shit. This isn't a blog like what my previous blogs have been because unlike those, this doesn't serve a purpose at all. But I'll still finish this anyways. I might stumble upon something as I type.


- THE PROMOTION -

So not to brag but as information only, I have been promoted. So far, that had been. . . okay. It could probably a factor why I feel different. In the beginning I never even thought of applying for the position, as training coach I say. But I guess fate gave me a push. It was one of the bosses there who forced me to apply. And I mean the word forced. I remember that day. I wasn't feeling my best. I lacked sleep, had no make up on, just feel like dumb shit. I was to go home and rest when I was asked to be spoken to by that boss I was referring to and then said, 'apply for coach' with a tone like, 'you don't have a choice'. There are only a few people I could say no to, with my being hard headed and all and he's one of those. He seemed to have an air of superiority, not in a negative way, but in a way that I couldn't seem to refuse anything he would ask me to do for him. And right now, it's more than ever cos I owe him why I was in the position now.

My original plan was as follows: stay until January to receive tax return and then resign. The people at work were ok and I enjoy their company. But being escalation agent with the same pay as a regular agent and having more work and also having my health endangered, it wasn't worth it. I've heard from my friends from different teams, some resigned now and some AWOL, that there were jobs just the same as we had with higher pay. So I thought I should transfer. But then after the promotion, everything changed. I was caught with no plans. I was looking forward to a new life at a different company, but as I said, I stayed without anything that happened according to plan.

And it's sad that a lot of people I know from that company had left already God knows where without even a proper farewell to and from me. It's part of life, now I ponder upon it. Back then it seemed like, these are people who give me reasons to stay in the company. Now I stay in the company and they are the ones who were gone. Just like in death.

- DEATH -

A friend of mine whom I've been tight with lately, told me a personal story of how her mother died. From the sound of it, nothing was expected. When people die, I know it would hurt, especially those who are dear to me. (That seemed grammatically awkward). I hear of it from other people, how friends, parents, siblings depart and how it felt too sudden for them that it took them a long time acknowledging the loss. I heard of the pain, but I just can't imagine what would happen if it happened to me. Everyday I see these people. At the back of my mind, they're always there, always present and at times I take their being there for granted. Time slips away and no matter how fast our legs could run and carry us we cannot run away after lost time. At some point in life, people would have to go, no matter how fast and sudden or slow and grieving. Life is but ephemeral. I look at myself today, so full of life. But years could just pass by so quickly without me noticing it. I've lived already for two decades, with seven more to come. But that is just mine. For the people around me, people I love, my family, I just. . . don't know.

- ME -

I honestly can't find words for this part. I'd rather have someone else write something about me at this point than me actually doing it. But I'd give it some effort.

I am concerned right now with . . . oh shoot. Blank. Here's what I hate. I used to think human is not human without purpose or goal. So what am I now? Not human? I hate this. But I know love. So let's skip to this and go on with the next.

- LOVE -

For years, literally, I've waited.

I loved you, the person who used to be you, and I know I would be happy if I could belong to you..

and vice versa.

If you only knew, no matter how you look right now I don't care.

You're taken I assume. But that's not it.

Right now, I am getting tired.

I just need closure, something that should have happened more than a year ago.

My unrequitted love I could probably offer another.

I just need to archive your memories now and not treat them as though they happened yesterday

like they were still fresh,

your mild, malambing voice and my honest to goodness laughter with you tinged with kilig.

That night we walked with the stars above us and the cold evening breeze enveloping us in our every move,

one night you stayed by my hospital bed until morning and held my hand,

These would stay in the section of my memory reserved only for you.

And I,

I longed for that embrace that never happened, that kiss that could never take place,

scenes of love that could only exist in my imagination.

I could be perfect for you if only you knew that.

You would have found all happiness with me and never feel life as too shallow again.

But you are in a place I'd never know, I the same.

I would see you I know.

I would make that happen.

And for once and for all just to end this I would say it in your face..

I loved you.. But my wait is over..



How nice that would have felt I think I would even cry.




--

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hi! first i'd like to introduce myself. i'm pam. i grew up with a pen name of trix jones but now i'm thinking of using my real name. why not right? it's a nice name.

i love music. i love arts. i'm a Christian. my whole life i've been directed to the arts, well not that i'm much of an artist. i just find happiness in beauty and aesthetic things.

Shotgun: Promotion, Death and Love

Once again my resolution to stop smoking would have to be for the next year I guess. A deep exhale here. Let's see. Cos this is shotgun. I have to really like type fast to catch up to my mind's fast production of words.

I am stepping on new shoes. Literally, it doesn't make sense cos I haven't bought any new shoe for the year. In fact I have bought little for myself for this year. What that meant is that, it feels strange. Like I see everything through another persons eyes.

I know myself because I still am aware of what my likes and dislikes are, what makes me happy and what irritates me, what my favorite foods are and what kind of clothes I would never even think of wearing.

But the laughter. It's the laughter that is new. I feel so light, as in the Lightness described in Milan Kundera's Unbearable Lightness of Being. And most of all, I feel so stupid. I am not happy with what I'm typing. I feel all this is shit. This isn't a blog like what my previous blogs have been because unlike those, this doesn't serve a purpose at all. But I'll still finish this anyways. I might stumble upon something as I type.


- THE PROMOTION -

So not to brag but as information only, I have been promoted. So far, that had been. . . okay. It could probably a factor why I feel different. In the beginning I never even thought of applying for the position, as training coach I say. But I guess fate gave me a push. It was one of the bosses there who forced me to apply. And I mean the word forced. I remember that day. I wasn't feeling my best. I lacked sleep, had no make up on, just feel like dumb shit. I was to go home and rest when I was asked to be spoken to by that boss I was referring to and then said, 'apply for coach' with a tone like, 'you don't have a choice'. There are only a few people I could say no to, with my being hard headed and all and he's one of those. He seemed to have an air of superiority, not in a negative way, but in a way that I couldn't seem to refuse anything he would ask me to do for him. And right now, it's more than ever cos I owe him why I was in the position now.

My original plan was as follows: stay until January to receive tax return and then resign. The people at work were ok and I enjoy their company. But being escalation agent with the same pay as a regular agent and having more work and also having my health endangered, it wasn't worth it. I've heard from my friends from different teams, some resigned now and some AWOL, that there were jobs just the same as we had with higher pay. So I thought I should transfer. But then after the promotion, everything changed. I was caught with no plans. I was looking forward to a new life at a different company, but as I said, I stayed without anything that happened according to plan.

And it's sad that a lot of people I know from that company had left already God knows where without even a proper farewell to and from me. It's part of life, now I ponder upon it. Back then it seemed like, these are people who give me reasons to stay in the company. Now I stay in the company and they are the ones who were gone. Just like in death.

- DEATH -

A friend of mine whom I've been tight with lately, told me a personal story of how her mother died. From the sound of it, nothing was expected. When people die, I know it would hurt, especially those who are dear to me. (That seemed grammatically awkward). I hear of it from other people, how friends, parents, siblings depart and how it felt too sudden for them that it took them a long time acknowledging the loss. I heard of the pain, but I just can't imagine what would happen if it happened to me. Everyday I see these people. At the back of my mind, they're always there, always present and at times I take their being there for granted. Time slips away and no matter how fast our legs could run and carry us we cannot run away after lost time. At some point in life, people would have to go, no matter how fast and sudden or slow and grieving. Life is but ephemeral. I look at myself today, so full of life. But years could just pass by so quickly without me noticing it. I've lived already for two decades, with seven more to come. But that is just mine. For the people around me, people I love, my family, I just. . . don't know.

- ME -

I honestly can't find words for this part. I'd rather have someone else write something about me at this point than me actually doing it. But I'd give it some effort.

I am concerned right now with . . . oh shoot. Blank. Here's what I hate. I used to think human is not human without purpose or goal. So what am I now? Not human? I hate this. But I know love. So let's skip to this and go on with the next.

- LOVE -

For years, literally, I've waited.

I loved you, the person who used to be you, and I know I would be happy if I could belong to you..

and vice versa.

If you only knew, no matter how you look right now I don't care.

You're taken I assume. But that's not it.

Right now, I am getting tired.

I just need closure, something that should have happened more than a year ago.

My unrequitted love I could probably offer another.

I just need to archive your memories now and not treat them as though they happened yesterday

like they were still fresh,

your mild, malambing voice and my honest to goodness laughter with you tinged with kilig.

That night we walked with the stars above us and the cold evening breeze enveloping us in our every move,

one night you stayed by my hospital bed until morning and held my hand,

These would stay in the section of my memory reserved only for you.

And I,

I longed for that embrace that never happened, that kiss that could never take place,

scenes of love that could only exist in my imagination.

I could be perfect for you if only you knew that.

You would have found all happiness with me and never feel life as too shallow again.

But you are in a place I'd never know, I the same.

I would see you I know.

I would make that happen.

And for once and for all just to end this I would say it in your face..

I loved you.. But my wait is over..



How nice that would have felt I think I would even cry.




--

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