Number Five With A Bullet (Girls are the Victims)

And this goes to all damn heartbreaker guys out there.

Hayy. That's all I could say. Indeed, life is but a roller coaster. Sometimes, we are up in the clouds, dancing in the rain, wishing that a day of supreme bliss wont stop. But then the cloud sent by someone down there comes spoiling everything. That's life as a roller coaster. You gotta hold tight. But never forget to enjoy the ride.

Anyway, I dont think I'll be ranting on about my adventures. Even I get bored. Let me just. . . philosophize. If I can. Something about . . . love?

Well, love is a complicated thing. At first, all you would feel is pure happiness. That little bright feeling in your heart whenever he's around, or whenever you are talking, or whenever you are together. Your days are so energy-filled, and you would never ever think of anything that could ruin your days. Maybe that can go on like a few weeks, or a month, depends really on the person. And then, after that uber-ecstasy, you start seeing the back wall. Expectation rise, insecurities bugger . . . then your mood swings like a pendulum, going up, going down. Of course, this goes to couples, who have mutual feelings. Boyfriend-girlfriend relationships too. You know, two-way relationships.

So there, the period where you step down from your daydreams and go back to reality. He's not that perfect, he's not that caring, or sweet, and suddenly he didnt call you when he said he would. Or he forgot to send a message where he is. Or you hear from his friends that he's giving up. Or that he's suddenly seeing a new girl. Or a week already passed, and he didnt even bother to make his presence felt, and left you hanging. It's always the girl who's the victim. Not that I'm doing hasty generalization. Let's rephrase that. . . most girls are powerlessly suffering from guys who're like that. Guys, please. . . Not because you outnumber us does it mean you have the right to just make girls hope on y0ur words. This is not a game. Feelings are very delicate things. You dont hold them, and caress them, make them feel important, and then leave them in the air. Yes, the Philippines is still a patriarchal society, but you dont have to really prove to us that you dominate. Some girls just understand and let you take over. The important thing you'd have to know is that we only need love and attention. The guy who will make us realize our self-worth. Its not about the competition. Some relationships fail because of pride on both sides. I admit that I've done so many mistakes before. I wanted to be the one holding the relationship. I was so much. I thought I was a queen, and he was my subject. But that's not the way things go. He was my king. In my heart, he was my king. But it was all pride.

Nevertheless, everything was over. I heard from a friend that he's off somewhere, having a good time breaking all the girls' hearts. Sometimes, my friend said, he missed the love and the romance. But it's his life now. He can choose to go back to me, and I'd probably take him back. But as long as that doesnt happen, and I really think it would never, my life goes on. For now, he's partially erased in my heart and is replaced by someone who deserves it better. But the memories will remain, and he's just there, our love, on the pages of my blue diaries.

Moving on, oh I think this is gonna be one long blog item. But I think I've pretty much said everything. Only one more topic. . . parents.

I dont really get them. I've always wished my parents were not so strict. They just dont see that I'm happy in what I do. Like the band for example. I know they wanted to see me perform, but how would I if they wont let me? Music makes up 80% of me, and its through performing and composing songs that I get to release my inner passion. Plus the fun of listening to other bands as they perform. The beat of the drums, the leads and the power chords, the soaring vocals and power choruses, to me they are part of the package of extreme entertainment on one night's gig. They told me to enjoy my life while young. How can I? The world is a big place I want to discover. Who knows tomorrow I might get hit by a 4x4 and never see daylight again? I want to at least be able to see what is outside my comfort zones, those places and people not in my campus, or my neighborhood. I want to buy things for myself, and eat exotic foods. For short, I want to be free. Of course, I dont want to get myself in danger, so with common sense I would never think of going to highly hazardous areas, especially alone. But I've kept myself safe, everywhere I go. Imagine a street called Bilibid Viejo, and in it were groups of tambays who all look like snatchers and kidnappers. But I got past that, because I know how to keep myself safe. You might tell me I was just lucky. No, maybe you have to dispel the myth that everywhere in the Philippines, there's danger. Oh come on, let's not think like the Americanos and the Hapons or the Europeneos. There maybe parts of the country, or just the city, that are really scary, but not all.

So what now? I've got a band practice later, and tomorrow is lovapalooza and after that a gig. On Sunday, I'd be going to YFC and then tito John's despidida. I dont really think I'd get out this weekend. I'd rot at home, cleaning the living room, or our bedroom, or hanging clothes, to stare at the ceiling after all chores are done. She's got my cellphone confiscated, and I dont think the reason "i sleep late and do nothing" is really the reason why she confiscated it since for years I always sleep late, with cellphone or not. I dont really know. I dont want to keep any remorse against her. I love her. But I hope she'd understand and wish me all the happiness I could want. I prioritize my studies and I would never let myself flunk, if she thinks I'm not giving importance to my studies. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, and me a very grieving daughter. I sometimes envy my friends who can go out whenever they want to. Maybe its been my fault, because I havent actually been honest these past few years. But why bother to ask permission when youre so sure that youre not gonna get any? I want to change the system at home. I tried to be a rebel, and ran away from home not only once or twice or thrice. On the contrary, Ive also tried to do it nicely, but things just got back to what they were before ever since I was grade six. I dont really know what to do. . . Oops, I think I'm forgetting the essence of the blog. Okay, so its not all philosophy, but rather the way I view things. Wait, isnt it similar to philosophy? Oh never mind! Whatever.



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hi! first i'd like to introduce myself. i'm pam. i grew up with a pen name of trix jones but now i'm thinking of using my real name. why not right? it's a nice name.

i love music. i love arts. i'm a Christian. my whole life i've been directed to the arts, well not that i'm much of an artist. i just find happiness in beauty and aesthetic things.

Number Five With A Bullet (Girls are the Victims)

And this goes to all damn heartbreaker guys out there.

Hayy. That's all I could say. Indeed, life is but a roller coaster. Sometimes, we are up in the clouds, dancing in the rain, wishing that a day of supreme bliss wont stop. But then the cloud sent by someone down there comes spoiling everything. That's life as a roller coaster. You gotta hold tight. But never forget to enjoy the ride.

Anyway, I dont think I'll be ranting on about my adventures. Even I get bored. Let me just. . . philosophize. If I can. Something about . . . love?

Well, love is a complicated thing. At first, all you would feel is pure happiness. That little bright feeling in your heart whenever he's around, or whenever you are talking, or whenever you are together. Your days are so energy-filled, and you would never ever think of anything that could ruin your days. Maybe that can go on like a few weeks, or a month, depends really on the person. And then, after that uber-ecstasy, you start seeing the back wall. Expectation rise, insecurities bugger . . . then your mood swings like a pendulum, going up, going down. Of course, this goes to couples, who have mutual feelings. Boyfriend-girlfriend relationships too. You know, two-way relationships.

So there, the period where you step down from your daydreams and go back to reality. He's not that perfect, he's not that caring, or sweet, and suddenly he didnt call you when he said he would. Or he forgot to send a message where he is. Or you hear from his friends that he's giving up. Or that he's suddenly seeing a new girl. Or a week already passed, and he didnt even bother to make his presence felt, and left you hanging. It's always the girl who's the victim. Not that I'm doing hasty generalization. Let's rephrase that. . . most girls are powerlessly suffering from guys who're like that. Guys, please. . . Not because you outnumber us does it mean you have the right to just make girls hope on y0ur words. This is not a game. Feelings are very delicate things. You dont hold them, and caress them, make them feel important, and then leave them in the air. Yes, the Philippines is still a patriarchal society, but you dont have to really prove to us that you dominate. Some girls just understand and let you take over. The important thing you'd have to know is that we only need love and attention. The guy who will make us realize our self-worth. Its not about the competition. Some relationships fail because of pride on both sides. I admit that I've done so many mistakes before. I wanted to be the one holding the relationship. I was so much. I thought I was a queen, and he was my subject. But that's not the way things go. He was my king. In my heart, he was my king. But it was all pride.

Nevertheless, everything was over. I heard from a friend that he's off somewhere, having a good time breaking all the girls' hearts. Sometimes, my friend said, he missed the love and the romance. But it's his life now. He can choose to go back to me, and I'd probably take him back. But as long as that doesnt happen, and I really think it would never, my life goes on. For now, he's partially erased in my heart and is replaced by someone who deserves it better. But the memories will remain, and he's just there, our love, on the pages of my blue diaries.

Moving on, oh I think this is gonna be one long blog item. But I think I've pretty much said everything. Only one more topic. . . parents.

I dont really get them. I've always wished my parents were not so strict. They just dont see that I'm happy in what I do. Like the band for example. I know they wanted to see me perform, but how would I if they wont let me? Music makes up 80% of me, and its through performing and composing songs that I get to release my inner passion. Plus the fun of listening to other bands as they perform. The beat of the drums, the leads and the power chords, the soaring vocals and power choruses, to me they are part of the package of extreme entertainment on one night's gig. They told me to enjoy my life while young. How can I? The world is a big place I want to discover. Who knows tomorrow I might get hit by a 4x4 and never see daylight again? I want to at least be able to see what is outside my comfort zones, those places and people not in my campus, or my neighborhood. I want to buy things for myself, and eat exotic foods. For short, I want to be free. Of course, I dont want to get myself in danger, so with common sense I would never think of going to highly hazardous areas, especially alone. But I've kept myself safe, everywhere I go. Imagine a street called Bilibid Viejo, and in it were groups of tambays who all look like snatchers and kidnappers. But I got past that, because I know how to keep myself safe. You might tell me I was just lucky. No, maybe you have to dispel the myth that everywhere in the Philippines, there's danger. Oh come on, let's not think like the Americanos and the Hapons or the Europeneos. There maybe parts of the country, or just the city, that are really scary, but not all.

So what now? I've got a band practice later, and tomorrow is lovapalooza and after that a gig. On Sunday, I'd be going to YFC and then tito John's despidida. I dont really think I'd get out this weekend. I'd rot at home, cleaning the living room, or our bedroom, or hanging clothes, to stare at the ceiling after all chores are done. She's got my cellphone confiscated, and I dont think the reason "i sleep late and do nothing" is really the reason why she confiscated it since for years I always sleep late, with cellphone or not. I dont really know. I dont want to keep any remorse against her. I love her. But I hope she'd understand and wish me all the happiness I could want. I prioritize my studies and I would never let myself flunk, if she thinks I'm not giving importance to my studies. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, and me a very grieving daughter. I sometimes envy my friends who can go out whenever they want to. Maybe its been my fault, because I havent actually been honest these past few years. But why bother to ask permission when youre so sure that youre not gonna get any? I want to change the system at home. I tried to be a rebel, and ran away from home not only once or twice or thrice. On the contrary, Ive also tried to do it nicely, but things just got back to what they were before ever since I was grade six. I dont really know what to do. . . Oops, I think I'm forgetting the essence of the blog. Okay, so its not all philosophy, but rather the way I view things. Wait, isnt it similar to philosophy? Oh never mind! Whatever.



- = -

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