Enough of Ondoy. One just has to turn on the TV to acquire all that he wants to know about it. Here I am myself, standing at the tail of my own tempest. What can be one of the hardest, if not the hardest itself, that can hit a person than financial incapacity? I feel locked with these circumstances. Decisions need to be done as soon as possible. The future, still far off as it may seem, is so calculable to me, so visibly staring me in the eye. Choices are limited and the fork path presents already its destinations.
The consequences of me staying is one and only: long and winding hardship. Once I go, the pain will sting transiently. I will be leaving behind a comfortable atmosphere and routine peace, not to mention people who share pieces of me. I have fallen and risen numerous times in my existence. New beginnings and re-adaptations should not be complex to me. But I have always been on an uncompromising stand, and LOATHE going for something against my inner desire.
How unpredictable situations are! Once again, plans I had worked around on and dreams I had fortified are slowly fragmenting itself, like a novel’s plot that some other suspense-author had written.
And all these excludes love (which I think, in my humblest opinion, is not of necessity right now)!
So what do I need? I need sensibility direly. If not to support this vision I have, then to counter-attack it with reason I might not be seeing now.
I AM FAILING. I had held my head too high on thoughts of strength and temporal invincibility that I overlooked the breaking platform I am standing on.
I’m losing my youth and it makes me sad. It’s not something to express in a space like this. But the way all this is consuming me is driving me to extreme measures in my head. The worst part is I can’t let go of the youth that was denied me. I even write in this almost-intelligent manner to mask my true feelings, the real words I yearn to release.
It’s tiring to always prove one’s strength and limits. I’m glad on how I’ve become an inspiration to some people, because nothing can be more heart-fattening than that, despite it being an enemy to my principle of self-acceptance and being real.
Sigh. No matter how long this goes or how full or near-to-full I pour out these ponderings on my lamentation, at the end of the day the decision stays there to make.
I guess it’s time to go.
It had been a beautiful walk, for I had walked with beautiful people, imperfect as we all are.
I will be bringing what I had learned with me, and it may be consolation enough. Who could tell?
With this, so help me God.
There are times when we sit in front of a PC and know exactly what to type. These instances, may I describe, are those fueled by passion, probably out of a very recent happening one would want to jot down to be part of his or her written history so as to avoid being forgotten.
Where am I right now?
It’s not total happiness. Nothing could ever beat the happiness I had felt back when I was still very active in church *wink*, (not that I didn’t want to go back). It’s a type of feeling of not really wishing for something bigger than the life I’m having. I mean, if I were to be asked would I want to trade this life right now to somebody else’s I would politely decline. I am already blessed with people surrounding me who truly love me. I have enough money to go by daily. I am admired by a person I also admire (naks! anu kaya yon? haha). Everyday there are trials to be faced. I juggle work and studies at the same time. I get physically weak and tired. There are people who do not like me. But these aren’t things that could make me back down. Being the goal oriented person that I am, it’s the future that keeps me moving forward. I know I will be more than who I am right now and that somewhere in time what I desire in my heart presently will be fulfilled. It’s cliché I know. It’s the truth.
I wish I could play with my band again.
I love performing. I guess I was born a performer in nature. It’s a one way thing. Like in writing. There should always be an audience or else everything is in vain, like a painting. A painting in an unlighted and unvisited room is purposeless, like it never existed. Performing is like speaking not only to a person, but people in general. It’s not like I wish to please everyone. It’s just having the freedom and the privilege to express my heart out and dance! Yeah.
Next, I was thinking of going somewhere relaxing in my birthday, maybe somewhere out of town. It’s only days ahead! I want to have a plan for it. Mind you, I sometimes catch myself being a control freak. But it’s something very controlled and unobtrusive.
To be honest, I need more rest (than what I’m having). I need to be away. As an artist (a self-proclaimed one), I am always needing space and time. I want to write again and be consumed in a universe of adverse reality, where nothing is impossible. Hm. I am also looking for true love! Nah, kidding. I can say I am ready for a relationship, but relationship is not ready for me. Haha! Nah. I don’t think that’s possible at this moment. I want someone to be with and to cuddle with, yes. But if it’s meant to be it will be. Hm. I guess that isn’t something I should think about. When it comes to having a relationship, heart alone or mind alone isn’t reliable. It’s a combination of both, plus convenience and practicality. Hey, it’s my opinion. This is my blog space anyway.
I think this is it. I felt like I haven’t said much. But judging from the length of this, I guess it’s enough. LOL. Ö
How many days has it been since we’ve started communicating again?
Questions…
…resurface.
What are you getting at?
I don’t think I’ve actually known you well enough to see what’s behind your mind or your words
Poor me
And yet you know me well enough and that I was always transparent with you…
How did we come to this point?
We were like a half finished novel,
or a movie that was cut right before any ending or resolution
where one sits and stares at the screen hoping to catch just anything at all,
just like a loop without a knot
an acrobat suspended in midair…
Now that you’re reading this, I’m sure you are, I think you’ll find it amazing or amusing at the least..
maybe asking why? what’s this for?
Because in my life, I have never been treated the way you did to me..
I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hardly for a guy than I did cos of you..
No
At this point there’s not even a tinge of bitterness left anymore
It drained up a long, long time ago..
And besides, I wouldn’t have been talking or communicating with you if that’s the case..
On the other hand, writing this provides me at least some comfort
A little console
To let this all out without actually having to say anything to you directly or without expecting you to say anything and without you expecting me to say something else too..
After everything (all of what had been up to this point), I hope you had already found compensation for all the things I think I’ve done that might have hurt you..
There are I’d admit to that.
I hope I have had enough to atone for my shortcomings.
I can just slowly take in your apology.
I appreciate you mustering up the courage to first speak to me.
As of now, I feel just a little bit better.
The past remains the past as it has always been.
They’re memories now. Immaterial. Immovable.
“I’ll let it pass and hold my tongue..” Dido
*This post will expire by the next time I log in..*
I am listening to this cool song of Massive Attack right now titled “Montage.”
These past few days, anyone would have noticed, I have been off color and easily irritated. I don’t know. I suspect it was another of my more often than not lethal mood swings. But I think it was also from lack of sleep. If I did not take a rest day this day, I could likely end up having fever or worse, flu (is that trangkaso?).
What I’m not sure of is if this is just a ‘mood swing’ or another phase of depression. It’s nothing grave. Just a detached feeling, like the whole world is too far for my reach, like the rest of the world is bathing in sunlight, while I sulk alone devoid of warmth. Honestly, poetic language aside, I am.
Might have been caused by the holiday that just passed by, that day when the color red becomes nauseous. Look nothing against Valentines Day. I was even wearing red. But it somehow made me feel like I lacked something, like yeah romantic love. It was some sort of pressure, and funnily someone had sent a text joke to me about that. I know I often seemed like I can do without men (because I actually can *lol*). But it feels different to have love, to have someone to care for me the same way I would care for him, to stare at his eyes, sending chills down my spine and to know that I have someone to run to when I’m shattering apart, someone to share the weight when things get too heavy for me.
I don’t know. I don’t even think I still know how to love. That is my saddest realization. I feel like I’m becoming into . . . (one of our relatives whose name I won’t include here). Now, she’s all old and lonely because she was only too concerned with her own happiness. She treated everyone by how she could benefit from them. I know I’m not like that. She is a human being created without conscience (no kidding!). I have one. So in many ways, we are different. But I thought, would I grow up lonely as well? Seeing her (that relative) almost a week ago depressed me. She was a sad sight, in her shabby make up trying to conceal her age and her tailor-suited clothes trying to hide her skinniness. I was sorry for her, not because they (my relatives) all disliked her, but because it was of her own fault which she didn’t even mind correcting, no effort at all. I know she prays, a lot. But I hope she prays for the right things. Not money, but love. Not prayers because of pride, but prayers of forgiveness.
Back to me. Still about me and my out-of-ordinary condition, out-of-ordinary meaning not like the usual me. At home, I know even if they don’t say it, they just wanna shout, ‘what is wrong with you?’ And I could just imagine myself saying ‘I don’t know’ in all its mixed emotions and meanings: paradoxical, plain mock, or really a statement of confusion! I notice that my most common expression would be ewan ko and I don’t know. That either explains my mind’s rush to produce an answer without even thinking properly or my own stand in things.
Just this day, I couldn’t count the number of times I fumed off compared to the number of times I smiled. What is wrong with me! I’m now asking myself. The hardest question, I guess, is the one only the self can answer. Shit, how can anyone actually help me.
I am stepping on new shoes. Literally, it doesn't make sense cos I haven't bought any new shoe for the year. In fact I have bought little for myself for this year. What that meant is that, it feels strange. Like I see everything through another persons eyes.
I know myself because I still am aware of what my likes and dislikes are, what makes me happy and what irritates me, what my favorite foods are and what kind of clothes I would never even think of wearing.
But the laughter. It's the laughter that is new. I feel so light, as in the Lightness described in Milan Kundera's Unbearable Lightness of Being. And most of all, I feel so stupid. I am not happy with what I'm typing. I feel all this is shit. This isn't a blog like what my previous blogs have been because unlike those, this doesn't serve a purpose at all. But I'll still finish this anyways. I might stumble upon something as I type.
- THE PROMOTION -
So not to brag but as information only, I have been promoted. So far, that had been. . . okay. It could probably a factor why I feel different. In the beginning I never even thought of applying for the position, as training coach I say. But I guess fate gave me a push. It was one of the bosses there who forced me to apply. And I mean the word forced. I remember that day. I wasn't feeling my best. I lacked sleep, had no make up on, just feel like dumb shit. I was to go home and rest when I was asked to be spoken to by that boss I was referring to and then said, 'apply for coach' with a tone like, 'you don't have a choice'. There are only a few people I could say no to, with my being hard headed and all and he's one of those. He seemed to have an air of superiority, not in a negative way, but in a way that I couldn't seem to refuse anything he would ask me to do for him. And right now, it's more than ever cos I owe him why I was in the position now.
My original plan was as follows: stay until January to receive tax return and then resign. The people at work were ok and I enjoy their company. But being escalation agent with the same pay as a regular agent and having more work and also having my health endangered, it wasn't worth it. I've heard from my friends from different teams, some resigned now and some AWOL, that there were jobs just the same as we had with higher pay. So I thought I should transfer. But then after the promotion, everything changed. I was caught with no plans. I was looking forward to a new life at a different company, but as I said, I stayed without anything that happened according to plan.
And it's sad that a lot of people I know from that company had left already God knows where without even a proper farewell to and from me. It's part of life, now I ponder upon it. Back then it seemed like, these are people who give me reasons to stay in the company. Now I stay in the company and they are the ones who were gone. Just like in death.
- DEATH -
A friend of mine whom I've been tight with lately, told me a personal story of how her mother died. From the sound of it, nothing was expected. When people die, I know it would hurt, especially those who are dear to me. (That seemed grammatically awkward). I hear of it from other people, how friends, parents, siblings depart and how it felt too sudden for them that it took them a long time acknowledging the loss. I heard of the pain, but I just can't imagine what would happen if it happened to me. Everyday I see these people. At the back of my mind, they're always there, always present and at times I take their being there for granted. Time slips away and no matter how fast our legs could run and carry us we cannot run away after lost time. At some point in life, people would have to go, no matter how fast and sudden or slow and grieving. Life is but ephemeral. I look at myself today, so full of life. But years could just pass by so quickly without me noticing it. I've lived already for two decades, with seven more to come. But that is just mine. For the people around me, people I love, my family, I just. . . don't know.
- ME -
I honestly can't find words for this part. I'd rather have someone else write something about me at this point than me actually doing it. But I'd give it some effort.
I am concerned right now with . . . oh shoot. Blank. Here's what I hate. I used to think human is not human without purpose or goal. So what am I now? Not human? I hate this. But I know love. So let's skip to this and go on with the next.
- LOVE -
For years, literally, I've waited.
I loved you, the person who used to be you, and I know I would be happy if I could belong to you..
and vice versa.
If you only knew, no matter how you look right now I don't care.
You're taken I assume. But that's not it.
Right now, I am getting tired.
I just need closure, something that should have happened more than a year ago.
My unrequitted love I could probably offer another.
I just need to archive your memories now and not treat them as though they happened yesterday
like they were still fresh,
your mild, malambing voice and my honest to goodness laughter with you tinged with kilig.
That night we walked with the stars above us and the cold evening breeze enveloping us in our every move,
one night you stayed by my hospital bed until morning and held my hand,
These would stay in the section of my memory reserved only for you.
And I,
I longed for that embrace that never happened, that kiss that could never take place,
scenes of love that could only exist in my imagination.
I could be perfect for you if only you knew that.
You would have found all happiness with me and never feel life as too shallow again.
But you are in a place I'd never know, I the same.
I would see you I know.
I would make that happen.
And for once and for all just to end this I would say it in your face..
I loved you.. But my wait is over..
How nice that would have felt I think I would even cry.
--
And you should be also.
Haha. Life. We should embrace it. I tried this thing where I'd pass out for a few minutes. After losing breath, everything went to black. I felt like I was away for a very long time. At least not there. I felt like I was somewhere home. Everything happened so fast. When I woke up, Kuya was helping me up. Geez, did I really forget where I was. Kuya told me I shook. If he didnt wake me up, I dont know. It only took ten minutes, yet I felt like I was away for days. All I could remember was a computer game.
Speaking of Kuya ..
I believe there are actually people sent here as angels. Well, not in the sense that they are really holy. I'd probably talk about this later.
So I am in love.
I was lost. But I found my way back again. I had my family back, my mother most especially. I have hurt her, and never, I told myself, would I ever want to hurt her anymore. She completely understands me now. So what if my studies went haywire?
Everything is immaterial when we die. What is important is what we are, not really what we do. That's why we are human beings, not doings. I'm not saying that studies and the rest of that stuff should be dropped altogether. Of course, we have to study, to provide for our and our family's future. But what do we have in mind all along? Is it for His greater glory?
We are made not for this world, but for eternity. Life is a training ground. You have heard everything in your theology classes. Duh, I myself don't really listen to theo lectures and catechism. These I have learned by myself. Our achievements, our struggles, emotions, feelings, everything is discarded. Only the soul gets to enter the gates. In heaven, we are all brothers and sisters. Everyone. Whether it be our mother, our father, our siblings, our friends, our lovers, everyone is but brother and sister, made in the likeness of God, by God, and for God. Think of it.
Now, I said I was lost. And even though I had what I really wanted, peace in the family, romantic love, and friends, I know something else was missing.
And through Kuya, I found Him. My love. He is everything I was looking for. He's the only one who can fill all my empty spaces. That night, my spirits soared. The night was never more beautiful. The air was never more cool and uplifting. There was light in every move I make. I was in peace. I had an unbreakable wall of love around me. He's everywhere I go, in everything I do, in every word I say, in every thought I have. This is love beyond what any human could ever give, ladies and gentlemen. Pure love. Without selfishness, deceit, jealousy, lie, pride.
I'd remind you that I'm not really a faithful Catholic. Even until now, I have just missed a few weeks' masses. But I have embraced Him. And accepted Him as the only one who could save me.
Now, I am inviting you, my dear reader. I promise I would really do my best to reach out to other people. This is our mission.
Back to what I was saying earlier, Kuya might be my angel. We are made not only for ourselves, but also for other people. They need us. Now everything is clear. They dont need money, they dont need sympathy. They also need Jesus Christ in their lives. We are made to let other people know Jesus' love for us, whether they be a non-Catholic, an ex-Catholic, an atheist, a disbeliever, an ignorant, or a lost soul.
This might be the best I might do for now. This is not much. These are words. Love is shown both through words and actions. But hope I was of help.
So now to you. My dear.
I will stay strong. For us. I will do my part. Hope you do yours.
Til here.
Thanks again for reading and finishing this heck of a blog. Yeah, some parts may be incoherent. Sorry. Just did this with all these things coming up my head like darts. Haha. Darts. Pwede namang arrows. Whatever.
Haha. Eto na naman. Blabber.
Well I'm sorry. Writing is my only outlet. I like keeping all those emotions stuffy stuffy to myself. Good thing my friends are always present or else I'd get hyperventilation on a daily basis.
I dont think love can save me now. I can see that only myself can save me. But who cares? Who cares shit? I dont want to get saved myself and people know that. I have pulled myself down. I dont need pity.
Kaya sana hindi mo sinabi. Amp. Walang maitutulong yon tsong. Tangina, ako nga maingat na tinatago iyon tas ikaw .. amp .. Wala na kong masasay.
I'm tired of ranting about my misfortunes because .. haha .. it'd consume space. Luckily, I stumbled upon something. A new .. philosophy is it?
I'd just smile. God doesnt send problems we cant solve. I believe in hope. I think I've written it before in my blogs. I'd say it again. And I wont be tired of saying it. I have told someone I only look at the present. The future is uncertain. I have no idea what my future would be like. I know I have the power to mold my future. And I am thankful for that power, wherever it is right now. But I can never tell. No one could. A twist of fate would make life worthwile, or worthless.
So, whatever you all do, I'll still be me. Ana told me I havent changed. Fuck I havent and I dont see why I should. I am comfortable like this and my REAL friends love me for being this.
And one more thing. Try repeating this to yourself. PREJUDICE IS FUCKING SIN.
Judge me. To hell with any of you. I'm not going to die of your backstabbing or judging or whatever. Die of envy of me haha.
Okay. I'm sounding too bitter. Nakikinig pa kasi ng devildriver posers ngayon eh no. La lang. Oi, next song na pala. Strapping Young Lad.
Ang akin lang mga minamahal kong kaibigan, ako ay madaling lapitan. Ako ay nananatiling ako na kumakain ng kwek-kwek at kung anuman sa kalsada at kayang dalhin ang tsinelas kahit saan kahit na ang aking kuko sa pinkie sa right foot ay minordor ng sapatos kong patulis. Ako ay mananatiling maaaring iyakan at sandalan, ako ay mananatiling concerned sa buhay niyo. Ako yung mananatiling pam na nakilala niyo, kapalan ko man ang make-up ko, magpakalbo man ako, bumagsak man ako sa lahat ng kahit anong meron jan, ako'y ako at kumportable ako sa kung sino ako.
Wahaha. Watibir.